Names are withheld for privacy
Feedback 1: This young woman works in a male dominated corporate office in Pune
The undercurrent of sexual harassment is rampant and I am confronted with difficult situations on a daily basis at my work place. Male colleagues, young, middle aged and even old, from all levels in the hierarchy try to flirt. I have adopted a policy of avoidance rather than confrontation, partly because I work in a male dominated company.
If men colleagues say or ask something that was uncalled for or inappropriate, I act as if I never heard it and I just walk away. I don’t bother to reply to their unwarranted questions.
Once when a colleague called me up to inform about an official meeting, he addressed me, ‘Hi dear’ and ended with ‘Thanks dear’. Since then I have avoided picking up his calls outside office hours. I give him a call on his extension number when I get back to office and use minimum words in my talk to him.
Our company uniform for women employees is very modest and decent. It is loose and does not cling to the body. It is zipped right up to the neck and made of thick non-see through fabric and yet when some men colleagues talk to me, instead of looking to my eyes their stare lingers elsewhere on my body and that makes me feel very uncomfortable.
If there has to be some discussion in a cubicle in front of one PC, I always make sure that I allow the men to sit on the chair in front of the PC and try to maintain a minimum one arm distance with them. I have noticed that many men use this opportunity just to crowd on to the women.
During meetings with officials from other companies, we often have to shake hands with them. Unless offered, I don’t shake hands. Interestingly, I have observed that officials from other countries like US, UK and Japan are more sensitive to the Indian culture and just say, ‘hello’ while not all Indian men are like that.
When I go for lunch to the canteen, some male colleagues from other departments tease me by pairing me up with a male colleague two years older to me. I again act as if I have not heard the teasing.
I make it a point to go for lunch only with the two other women employees in my department. If I know in advance that both of them are going to be on leave, I bring a lunch pack from home and eat alone while everyone else goes to the canteen. If I have to take a consultant who has come for a discussion for lunch, I ask one of my male colleagues to take him for lunch. When I go to the canteen, I always sit in such a way that I don’t have to face the crowd, but rather sit close to and facing the exit door. During the tea breaks, I either go very early or very late to the cafe to avoid unnecessary chats.
Attempts to flirt continue even beyond office hours. While walking towards office or returning from office if I find someone whom I don’t prefer is trying to catch up with me, I take out my cell phone and call up a friend.
As a policy I never take a pillion ride on a guy’s motor bike. Many guys have had a big time offense when I made this policy known to them. I avoid going for treats/hang outs/movies etc. I also avoid official parties if I have to stay after 7.30 pm.
Once a senior male single colleague met me near the company provisional stores and asked me if I can cook a dish for him. I told him up front that I will not and that he could do it all by himself. This senior had tried showing special interest in me before, but after this incident he stopped doing so.
Another senior male colleague of mine kept calling me during my training period. I never used to call him back. Once he asked me why I don’t call him and I told him straight that I don’t have any reason to call him. After that he also stopped calling me. I am extra cautious with those who ‘act’ extra polite and extra caring to women. It has saved me a lot of trouble.
Remaining visible online after office hours invites unnecessary chats. I make sure that my internet settings are such that I will be invisible online.
I play badminton every morning; but I don’t play with guys. Initially some guys had come and tried to join me for a game…but I would just stop, allow them to play and leave the place. I have told my women partners that I do not want to play with guys.
I have now understood that men are testing the waters to find out how far I would oblige them. If I send out the ‘Don’t try messing up with me’ signals early, they get the message and simply back out. In my college days, I failed to give these signals early enough and hence ended up in a lot of unwanted trouble. The Lord has taught me from my mistakes and I am still learning.
Feedback 2: This young woman works in one of India’s best IT companies and is placed in Bangalore
Thank you for letting me know of your blog…I actually started reading the posts on Principled Romance and then got hooked... :)...I love reading and like to read good stuff that builds me even more...I found the post on Principled Romance on Asha and Ashish's steps towards keeping their conversations focused on Christ very challenging... Will see how much the Couples Bible study, a book study, regular and consistent prayer, prayer for a common burden, etc....can be incorporated into my daily conversations with my would-be too. (By the way I asked him to log on to your blog too!). Do pray that God will help us implement such life-giving ideas in our conversations.
While reading through the remaining articles, I picked Balancing Family and Ministry as my favourite one. In this fast IT world that I live this is the need of the hour. I see around me believing families where the father is either absent or he is physically present but lost inside his computer. This message is the need of the hour… Actually the IT world has resulted in virtually 'orphaned' children (when both parents work) or 'single parent homes' (where one parent stays at home). The parents are busy...busy...busy...no time....deadlines to meet....Even at home he is on his mobile or lost in his laptop. This is what is happening even in believing homes and I feel terrible to see it. A godly generation cannot be raised by us if we have no time for our children. It is the beat of my heart to drive this point home to my friends and in every study that I go to....but very few seem to understand. I am so glad to see you put it out so clearly. It is a language that IT engineers do not understand. Do pray for us....and for many more couples like us to take the right decisions which will help us invest time in our homes. I see I have preached enough. It’s just that this topic is one that pulls at the strings of my heart. I know what it means to have an absent father...after all… my dad was busy in his pursuit of money while my mom, sister and me toughed it out here all alone...
Could not resist telling you that the Celebrating Differences post was classic....;) ...the first paragraph had me in splits...It is so difficult to stop trying to change each other and celebrate differences. I know this in theory but find it difficult to put it in practice. Hope I will learn with God's help.
Your post on Ragging too was good…real strong stand you took in college I must say…
The Secret of Truly Victorious Christian life: The point on God not punishing us - getting even with us - for our sins was striking. I have this problem seriously since at home we were always punished for all the wrongs we did. It is so difficult to make myself believe that something bad happening to me is not God punishing me for some old sin. Even the verse on reaping what you sow, being jerked out of context was real new. Just realized it was said in the light of financially sowing into God's kingdom. The sin treadmill was another new idea....I go on it very often.
Ordering Your Personal Finances - another good one...The comments on differentiating being workaholic and hard working was good. Very practical on various fronts...loved reading it and learning... :) Drawing the lines between Needs, Wants and Desires was another key article...
The tips in your post on Living in the Discomfort Zone will be real handy for your daughter as she enters into the corporate world. I know well what I see in my office in the garb of harmless coffee chats. I myself learned much from my own errors and mistakes...sometimes, despite knowing things, I played with my boundaries and learned my lessons the hard way…must say it was Gods grace that kept me in this world full of temptations.
The article on Modesty of Dress was strong and straight to the point....it reminded me of how careful I must be…can't make an excuse when I get up there, saying… 'I did not know'. It’s my job to be aware and to take pains not to be a stumbling block at work or anywhere else. It is a great message and a much needed one today...do let me know whenever you update your blog…I will surely read...I like the stuff there.
08 June 2010
Drawing Lines in Modesty of Dress
I thought my views were skewed by the cultural setting I lived in until I read this message delivered not too long ago in a Western setting. Read on...this excellent article on the subject
Validating the Gospel in Modesty
Modesty in Dress
By Albert N. Martin
Message delivered on Sunday February 24, 2008 in the adult Sunday school class at
Trinity Baptist Church,160 Changebridge Road, Montville, NJ 07045.
One area that has marked our life together which has also both validated and illustrated the power of the gospel in days gone by has been the decided modesty and the distinctive femininity of the dress and the demeanor of the women in this church, the decided modesty and the distinctive femininity.
However, in the past year or two there has been a marked erosion among us in both of these areas. We have had men come to us vexed in their hearts and in their minds as they struggle to maintain mental purity before God, eyes that do not become the inlet of lust on the basis of what they see.
Let me begin with three introductory concerns that will kind of set the field, clear the field of misconception as I then come to the heart of these issues.
The first introductory concern is this.
In all that I say I am addressing the members of this congregation and their families. Should God be pleased to bring among us some raw 21st-century pagan women dressed with mini skirts, cleavage almost down to their belly buttons or with slacks of stretch material that hug their thighs and their buttocks and their crotch, we will NOT say to them, “You can’t come in here and listen to our gospel dressed like that,” and then hand them a shawl and say, “Wrap this around you before we welcome you into this place.” No. We would welcome them exactly as they show up - among us unless they showed up naked! We would welcome them to come and sit under the ministry of the Word of God, to sit under the gospel.
However, as they sit among us and as they look around, it shouldn’t take long for them to draw this conclusion. “If I begin to believe what is preached in this place, I will have to dress like the women in this place who are marked by decided modesty and by distinctive femininity”.
In other words, we take them as they are with a view to seeing them become what God says the gospel will make them. I want to make that very clear, lest anyone go out and say, “The pastor doesn’t want sinners to come to our church.”
The second introductory concern is this.
I am not saying that we believe that the women members of this church are deliberately seeking to be seductive or sexually provocative to the men who sit among us or that the women who are members of this church are willfully, deliberately and defiantly seeking to blur male and female distinctions in their dress.
However, society has so degenerated in these two areas of decided modesty and distinctive femininity and is presently “squeezing some of you into its mold” contrary to the will of God revealed in Romans 12:2, being “not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.
We believe that the world’s pressure is being evidenced in this place in the dress of some of you. Therefore, I come to you this morning with a burdened heart and with a bent knee seeking under God to sensitize your consciences in this area of gospel fruit.
You will notice how from my opening statements I will continually use the terminology, validating and illustrating the power of the gospel. And that is the issue that is at stake. It is the gospel that is at stake.
Yes, the men among us need to take seriously Matthew 5:28 which says, “Whoso looks to lust upon a woman, whoso looks with a view to lust after her, has committed adultery already in his heart.” Any man that willfully goes from what he sees to what he would desire to have will answer to God for his sin. That is clear from the Scriptures.
However, my dear sisters in Christ, there are two other passages that need to be brought into your deepest concern as a woman.
The first one is Luke 17:1-2. “And Jesus said to his disciples, ‘It is impossible but that occasions of stumbling should come.’” In other words, the world being what it is, the human heart being what it is, occasions of stumbling are going to come. “But woe unto him, woe unto her through whom they come. It were well for him, for her, if a millstone were hanged about his neck and he were thrown into the sea rather than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble.” The little ones are those who believe in him.
And, my dear sisters, I beg of you to listen to this passage. Any man that lusts after you will answer to God for his mental adultery. But you will answer to God if you have provoked it by the manner in which you are dressed.
The second text of Scripture is Romans 14:13. “Let us not, therefore, judge one another anymore, but judge this rather, that no man, no woman, put a stumbling block in his brother’s way or an occasion of falling.”
That is what we are to judge. Am I in any way in the manner of my dress putting an occasion of stumbling before one of my brothers in Christ?
Here, ladies, get hold of this principle. Purity of motive does not cancel the effects of your appearance. You may have a heart as pure as untouched new fallen snow this morning, and have no desire whatsoever to provoke a man to lust, to seduce a man. But the purity of your motive does not cancel the affect of your appearance.
Even if you have a heart as pure as snow, a bared thigh with a long slit up to here will provoke the lustful thoughts of a man. And God says to you, “Judge this rather, that no woman, no man put a stumbling block in his brother’s way, or an occasion of falling.”
Mrs. Al Mohler (the wife of a man to whom God has given literally national prominence with his syndicated radio broadcast and his blogs) said this: “Don’t blame the men around you who happen to be unfortunate enough to be within sight and say, ‘They need to get their minds out of the gutter.’ Proverbs 30:20 says, ‘This is the way of an adulterous woman. She eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong.’ Ladies must remember what battles men face to stay pure as they are stimulated visually by women. They should never have it flaunted in their faces. And to have it done at church is an abomination.”
That is a woman speaking to her sisters in Christ.
Then the third introductory concern is this.
You may go to other churches and you may find expressions of dress that are contrary to the things that I am going to articulate this morning and my response to that is the words of Jesus in John 21. “What is that to you? Follow thou me.” We leave to other pastors to answer to God what they do in the sphere of their responsibility. We are concerned with what we do in this sphere of our responsibility. And if you find that some of the things you hear this morning are not going down smoothly, we plead with you. Don’t seek out others who share your reservations and form a little grousing club. Come to us with an open Bible and show us where we have gone beyond the Scripture and we will stand in this pulpit and make alterations or retractions whichever are necessary.
Now I come, first of all, to an appeal for decided modesty of dress.
If you were to look up the word “decided” you would find that it is defined as, “Definite and unmistakable and clear cut.” I am making a pastoral appeal for dress that is marked by decided modesty. In other words, every rational man or woman should be able to say, “That woman is dressed modestly.”
Let us look, first of all, at the biblical basis for our concern. We will go to 1 Timothy 2:9 and 10. But we will start with 3:14-15. Paul tells Timothy : “Timothy, I am writing specific directives concerning behavior in God’s house, the church which is the pillar and ground of the truth.”
The Church must confess the pure gospel of the grace of God and the Church must validate and illustrate that gospel in its life and in its conduct. Only then is the Church the pillar and the ground of the truth.
And nestled down in the midst of this behavior which Paul says ought to be the mark of the people of God is verse 9, “in like manner, I desire that women adorn themselves in modest apparel.”
Let me read four translations of that verse.
The NIV: “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.”
ESV: “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.”
New King James Version: “Like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation.”
New American Standard Bible: “I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly.”
Then in the following verse where he gets specific about hairdos, et cetera, Paul emphasizes that they should be neither seductive nor suggestive, nor ostentatious. They should not dress in such a way that as soon as they walk in, every head turns and looks at the hair piled up on their head in a certain way or their garments adorned in a showy way, so that people instead of being occupied with God in the service, become occupied with her.
John Stott says, “What Paul is emphasizing is that Christian women should adorn themselves with clothing, hairstyles and jewelry which in their culture are inexpensive and not extravagant; modest and not vain; chaste and not suggestive.”
So, for us as your pastors to be upfront and graciously confrontational and proactive concerning the matter of modestly, is part of our duty. What would you think of us if we gave up the centrality of prayer shaped by the gospel in our life together as a church? When the text says, “I will first of all that prayer, supplication, intercession, giving of thanks be made for all men.” What would you think of us if we no longer insisted on the biblical standard for elders from Chapter 3? What would you think of us if we gave up what Paul says about the teaching, ruling ministry in the Church and that women are not to teach the mixed assembly, women are not to govern and we began to entertain the thought of women elders? I ask you. In Christ’s name, what would you think of us if we permitted this? In the same way, nestled in these same directives is the apostolic mandate that women must dress modestly in the house of God. And we are not going to avoid the insistence that that will be true in this house of God.
That is the biblical basis for our appeal. We have no alternative.
I want to identify the 10 things that most frequently tempt men to think unclean thoughts. This is not an exhaustive list, but I believe I am accurate in saying these are 10 triggers to lustful thoughts. These are like magnets in a women’s dress, magnets that draw men’s eyes to parts of their bodies that if they are to maintain purity of mind they don’t want their minds drawn to these parts of a woman’s body.
Here are the 10 magnets to men’s eyes.
Number One. Dresses or skirts with lengthy slits. When a man’s eye sees a slit that comes up to the knee or above, he thinks, “Oh, a few more inches and what would I see?” That is the way a man’s mind works. If your fathers have not told you this, daughters, it is true. If you husbands have not told your wives this, shame on you. This is a magnet to men’s eyes, dresses or skirts with lengthy slits.
Number Two. Dresses or skirts which hug the buttocks. I don’t know a better word to use. What do I mean? My shirt is not hugging any part of my body except, perhaps, my wrist. A skirt that hugs the buttocks is a skirt that not only comes down over the buttocks, but back in to the back of the thighs. When you see pictures of prostitutes one of the marks of a prostitute is this: She always has her buttocks hugged, whether it is a mini skirt, whether it is jeans, whether it is tight slacks, her butt is always hugged because that is what she is selling. And that is what she wants you to buy. It is a magnet to men’s eyes.
Number Three. Any upper garment that hugs the breast. And I don’t know a better way to describe it. It is one thing for your garment to come down over and hang loosely upon the breast, but to hug the breast, to shape and isolate your breasts becomes a magnet to men’s eyes. People should not receive an anatomy lesson in mammary glands when they look at you women. It is a magnet to men’s eyes.
Number Four. Unbuttoned blouses, low neck lines or cleavage on any upper body garment. You know what I mean by the buttons. You have got a blouse that buttons up to the top. But you unbutton it down to one button away from bearing your bra. And when a man sees only one button to go his mind goes, I wonder what is under that one more button.
John Piper, is burdened about this issue and he has posted an article on the internet, “Is Modesty an Issue in the Church Today?” Listen to Mr. Piper.
“Necklines are an issue these days. Everywhere I turn, at the airport, at the church the necklines are plunging. Some fashion designers in the world are communicating to women today that the thing to do is to have your neckline split extend too low. Unbuttoned blouses, low neck lines on the shirts that may be under your jacket, cleavage of any kind on any upper body garment. And also, women, remember. In the church setting you are found at times bending over, picking up a child. Bend over and look at yourself in the mirror before you leave your home. What may seem to cover you well standing, bending over does not cover you sufficiently to be dressed modestly.”
Number Five. Sleeveless blouses or dresses with large arm holes. You look down on your sleeveless dress and you see nothing but your shoulder. But if it is a large arm hole, a man sitting behind you looks up at the pulpit, sees through to your bra. And his mind goes where he doesn’t want it to go. It is immodest to wear sleeveless blouses and dresses with large arm holes. If the arm holes are tight enough that no one can see in, then that is your liberty before God.
Number Six. Low-rise skirts or pants. This is the style made popular by Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez - these sex pots, who flaunt their bodies in their gyrations with their music. They have made this style popular - skirts that barely hang on the hip bones and with the jeans that barely come up and cover the crack of the buttocks. I have been in situations with Christian women where I have seen the crack of their buttocks because of the low rise jeans, skirts or pants.
Number Seven. See-through clothing of any kind: clothing that does not cover your under garments to the point where no one can see them. Some of you need to know the function of a camisole.
Number Eight. Skirts and dresses that are just plain too short. Difficult when you are seated to adequately cover yourself. And when you get engrossed in something in a public setting, you are not keeping your knees locked together and before long the legs are spread a bit and anyone just happening to glance can see clean up to your underwear. That is immodest. It becomes a magnet to men’s eyes.
Listen to Mrs. Mohler again. She says, “If you arrive at church dressed in such a way that by the end of the service the people around you by no fault of their own know the color of your underwear and they have watched you do a shimmy dance as you try to get your too short, too tight skirt to go down, there is a big problem.”
Number Nine. Slacks or pants or jeans that hug the buttocks, the thighs and the crotch. And by the way, “crotch” is not a coarse word. The dictionary defines it as “the place where the legs fork from the human body, the seam or place where the legs of a pair of pants meet”.
And here I speak from a deeply burdened heart. This is one of the areas, dear women, where the immodesty has taken over in our church. Some of you are showing up with slacks that either have spandex in them or are made from some stretch material that hugs the buttocks, comes around and hugs the thigh and presses up on your crotch and the crack of your buttocks. You have no idea what that does to many a man when he sees it. You draw his eye to the most erotic part of your body. That whole area becomes a magnet for men’s eyes.
Number Ten. A bared midriff and back. This whole present style where tops come down and just barely, if at all, meet the low rise jeans. You may look in the mirror and say, “Well, I am fully covered.” But all you need to do is to reach out – and a couple of inches of your belly are showing. When you bend down, people can see your back and usually the top of your underwear as well. And this has happened right in this assembly.
One man said to one of the elders, “I saw a woman bend over. I could see the top of her panties and I wondered what it would be like to put my hand down her back.” This was a godly young man, passionate to be holy, who was caused to stumble in this church.
And I am going to do something right now. I am going to ask the men seated here this morning and the boys: If you find any one or more of these things that I have called magnets for your eyes an occasion of struggling with purity of your mind, I want you to raise your hand.
Now, sisters, look around. Get a good look at how many men there are. Many dear brothers are struggling with these issues.
I am not a dirty minded old man trying to rob you sisters of your Christian liberty. I am a pastor determined that in this place, women shall appear modestly to the glory of God and to the good of their precious brothers.
So, having laid out the biblical basis of our concern, and having identified the 10 magnets to men’s eyes, what are you to do as a woman? Here is my counsel.
Number One. Repent.
Repent of the ways in which you have unknowingly and carelessly allowed yourself to be sucked in by the world’s standards and have caused occasion of stumbling to your brothers. Ask God’s forgiveness. Go to the Lord Jesus Christ and say, “Lord Jesus, wash me in your precious blood. I had no idea that those tight slacks that are so comfortable caused my brothers to sin. Oh, Lord Jesus, forgive me.”
I trust that many of you will have dealings with God today in the way of repentance.
“Lord Jesus, I had no idea that that shirt that hugged my breasts and shaped them was an occasion of stumbling. Lord Jesus, forgive me. Cleanse me. Wash me in your precious blood.”
Repent. Go to Christ in faith. Find the purging of His precious blood. “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
And then “bring forth fruits in keeping with your repentance.” Go to your dresser drawers, go to your closet and remove anything and everything that has one of these 10 magnets embedded in them.
But you may say, “Pastor, then I will have to show up in the same outfit for the next five weeks.”
Hallelujah! We will rejoice – for it will be modest.
And if anybody comes up and says, “Hey, don’t you have another dress?” - you come and tell us and we will deal with them.
Secondly. Pray for and labor to cultivate a sensitive and well instructed conscience before God on this issue.
I am 99.44 % certain, that a number of you women, as I have gone down these 10 things, you have been saying, “I never realized. I never realized. I never realized.” But now you have gotten instruction. “To him that knows to do good and does it not, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). You can’t claim ignorance after this morning. You pray and ask God to help you to cultivate a sensitive, well instructed conscience before him concerning this issue. Pray in the Luke 17 passage. Pray in the Romans 14:13 passage. Listen to the words of John Piper: “I plead with the Christian women of the world that they take into consideration the things they are saying by what they are wearing. Dress to please the Lord. And you can still dress beautifully. You don’t have to look stupid or out of style to be modest. I know this is the case because there are hundreds of very attractive women at our church who dress modestly and don’t cause men to stumble. And they don’t look out of style.”
That is my plea to you. Repent and bring forth fruits meet for repentance. Pray for and labor to cultivate a sensitive, well instructed conscience before God concerning this issue.
Thirdly. Welcome the quality control upon your modesty that should come from your husband, from your father, from your mother, from the people of God and from your pastors. You may judge something to be modest because you look at yourself through your own eyes. Someone else is looking at you through a different set of eyes.
Now, if there are some men who believe that you are modest only if you show up like a Muslim woman, we will take those men aside and deal with them. We are not advocating that you go out and get a black gunny sack, cut two holes in it and stick it on your head, not at all. But we need quality control. You men know what are the magnets to your eyes. Monitor what your wife wears.
It hurts me at times, when my wife comes into my study and says “Well, Al, what do you think about this dress?”
“No, dear,” I say, “it looks nice on you, but it looks too nice on you.”
You be the quality controller for your wife. She is not a man. She doesn’t think like a man. You can’t expect her to think like a man. But you are a man. Then, begin to act like one. Act like a man and say it sweetly. “Dear, the slit goes up to high.”
“Oh, but honey...”
“Dear, the slit goes up too high.”
“Oh, but honey.”
“The slit is too high.”
In other words, you start out nice and sweet. If she resists you, you meet her head on and say, “You will not leave this house with that skirt as long as I am your husband. End of discussion.”
Now, let me ask you men if you have got that kind of holy testosterone. If not, go to God and ask him to give you a good shot of it. Be sweet. Be gentle. Be kind. Be sensitive. But if she starts whining and begins to wear you down, stand your ground. Quality control of husband and father for the daughters and mother. You have every right while your children are under your roof. Not only do you have the right, you have the responsibility that they dress modestly. It is your responsibility.
Now I want you to listen to another one of your sisters in Christ, Mrs. Mohler. I have never met her, but she has got spirit and courage. She says: “Mothers of sons have often asked me, ‘What can we do? We don’t have daughters we can influence, but we have sons that are looking at how your daughters dress.’ It is our job then, as mothers of daughters to make sure our daughters’ appearance does not cause men to stumble or cause women to point to them as examples in order to make their case.”
Richard Baxter, the great Puritan preacher said to women, “And you must not lay a stumbling block in the way of men nor blow up the fire of their lust, nor make your ornaments snares. But you must walk among sinful persons as you would do with a candle among straw or gunpowder or else you may see a fire that you do not foresee, when it is too late to quench it.”
And what do you do with respect to your daughter that pushes you and pushes you with regard to a certain standard? Well, Mrs.Mohler has some very helpful counsel again. She says, “You are the mother. You are the father. You stand the ground and you tell your daughter, ‘In this house, this is off base. This is off base. No discussion. End of the issue.”
Perhaps you need the quality control of one another, since some of you don’t have a husband or a father. The Scripture says in Hebrews 3:13, “Exhort one another while it is called today lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” Sin is deceitful. You may think, “Oh, I am dressed perfectly modestly.” But sin has deceived you. You are not dressed modestly. You need the quality control of God’s people to draw you aside lovingly and say to you, “My dear sister, I know you do not want to cause any man to think unclean thoughts because of you. Isn’t that true?”
“Well, of course,” she says.
“Then I think, maybe you ought to reconsider this or that dress that you are wearing.”
This is how we can graciously exhort one another.
And if there is a pattern of immodestly (notice what I said — a pattern of immodestly) that does not yield to husband or to mother or to father or to the people of God, then we elders have to deal with it. And we will confront you and say, “Our Bibles say that behavior in the house of God mandates modestly of dress among the women. You have a pattern of immodesty. It must stop.”
That is our responsibility.
And one text that keeps thundering in my ear, is what the prophet Isaiah spoke of the false prophets: “They are dumb dogs that cannot bark” (Isa.56:10). Dumb dogs, a watch dog that when the thief comes, sits there and licks his hand and doesn’t bark.
I pray, “Oh, God, don’t let us be charged with being dumb dogs that cannot bark, that cannot stand against the tremendous pressure that the world is bringing upon women to get them to compromise and be insensitive to the biblical standard of modesty. “
I have just dealt with modesty. I haven’t given my appeal for distinctive femininity of dress. That will have to wait.
So what have we done? I gave you three disclaimers. We are not saying that if God brings raw sinners among us dressed like sinners we will reject them until they change their clothing. No. That has never been our position; and it will not be as long as Christ rules in this Church.
I don’t believe that the women in membership in this church are trying to be cutesy seductive; or that, if one of the men of this church propositioned you, you would like that. No. But you still like being cutesy seductive - you know what your tight skirt does to the eyes of men and you like it.
I gave you the biblical basis for our concern, 1 Timothy.
I gave you the 10 magnets for men’s eyes.
And then I sought to lay before you what you ought to do in the light of what you have heard. Repent, pray for a sensitized conscience and then plead with God to be sensitive to the quality control of husband, father, mother, the people of God and your pastors.
God grant that it will not be long before any one coming into Trinity Church or coming for the first time will see the gospel validated in the decided modesty of the women of this church. The gospel is at stake, my dear sisters. Let’s preserve it in its substance, in its doctrinal purity and in its powerful application to take women out of the society where immodesty is the order of the day and make them attractive, tasteful, modest, Christian women to the glory and to the praise of our God.
Validating the Gospel in Modesty
Modesty in Dress
By Albert N. Martin
Message delivered on Sunday February 24, 2008 in the adult Sunday school class at
Trinity Baptist Church,160 Changebridge Road, Montville, NJ 07045.
One area that has marked our life together which has also both validated and illustrated the power of the gospel in days gone by has been the decided modesty and the distinctive femininity of the dress and the demeanor of the women in this church, the decided modesty and the distinctive femininity.
However, in the past year or two there has been a marked erosion among us in both of these areas. We have had men come to us vexed in their hearts and in their minds as they struggle to maintain mental purity before God, eyes that do not become the inlet of lust on the basis of what they see.
Let me begin with three introductory concerns that will kind of set the field, clear the field of misconception as I then come to the heart of these issues.
The first introductory concern is this.
In all that I say I am addressing the members of this congregation and their families. Should God be pleased to bring among us some raw 21st-century pagan women dressed with mini skirts, cleavage almost down to their belly buttons or with slacks of stretch material that hug their thighs and their buttocks and their crotch, we will NOT say to them, “You can’t come in here and listen to our gospel dressed like that,” and then hand them a shawl and say, “Wrap this around you before we welcome you into this place.” No. We would welcome them exactly as they show up - among us unless they showed up naked! We would welcome them to come and sit under the ministry of the Word of God, to sit under the gospel.
However, as they sit among us and as they look around, it shouldn’t take long for them to draw this conclusion. “If I begin to believe what is preached in this place, I will have to dress like the women in this place who are marked by decided modesty and by distinctive femininity”.
In other words, we take them as they are with a view to seeing them become what God says the gospel will make them. I want to make that very clear, lest anyone go out and say, “The pastor doesn’t want sinners to come to our church.”
The second introductory concern is this.
I am not saying that we believe that the women members of this church are deliberately seeking to be seductive or sexually provocative to the men who sit among us or that the women who are members of this church are willfully, deliberately and defiantly seeking to blur male and female distinctions in their dress.
However, society has so degenerated in these two areas of decided modesty and distinctive femininity and is presently “squeezing some of you into its mold” contrary to the will of God revealed in Romans 12:2, being “not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.
We believe that the world’s pressure is being evidenced in this place in the dress of some of you. Therefore, I come to you this morning with a burdened heart and with a bent knee seeking under God to sensitize your consciences in this area of gospel fruit.
You will notice how from my opening statements I will continually use the terminology, validating and illustrating the power of the gospel. And that is the issue that is at stake. It is the gospel that is at stake.
Yes, the men among us need to take seriously Matthew 5:28 which says, “Whoso looks to lust upon a woman, whoso looks with a view to lust after her, has committed adultery already in his heart.” Any man that willfully goes from what he sees to what he would desire to have will answer to God for his sin. That is clear from the Scriptures.
However, my dear sisters in Christ, there are two other passages that need to be brought into your deepest concern as a woman.
The first one is Luke 17:1-2. “And Jesus said to his disciples, ‘It is impossible but that occasions of stumbling should come.’” In other words, the world being what it is, the human heart being what it is, occasions of stumbling are going to come. “But woe unto him, woe unto her through whom they come. It were well for him, for her, if a millstone were hanged about his neck and he were thrown into the sea rather than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble.” The little ones are those who believe in him.
And, my dear sisters, I beg of you to listen to this passage. Any man that lusts after you will answer to God for his mental adultery. But you will answer to God if you have provoked it by the manner in which you are dressed.
The second text of Scripture is Romans 14:13. “Let us not, therefore, judge one another anymore, but judge this rather, that no man, no woman, put a stumbling block in his brother’s way or an occasion of falling.”
That is what we are to judge. Am I in any way in the manner of my dress putting an occasion of stumbling before one of my brothers in Christ?
Here, ladies, get hold of this principle. Purity of motive does not cancel the effects of your appearance. You may have a heart as pure as untouched new fallen snow this morning, and have no desire whatsoever to provoke a man to lust, to seduce a man. But the purity of your motive does not cancel the affect of your appearance.
Even if you have a heart as pure as snow, a bared thigh with a long slit up to here will provoke the lustful thoughts of a man. And God says to you, “Judge this rather, that no woman, no man put a stumbling block in his brother’s way, or an occasion of falling.”
Mrs. Al Mohler (the wife of a man to whom God has given literally national prominence with his syndicated radio broadcast and his blogs) said this: “Don’t blame the men around you who happen to be unfortunate enough to be within sight and say, ‘They need to get their minds out of the gutter.’ Proverbs 30:20 says, ‘This is the way of an adulterous woman. She eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong.’ Ladies must remember what battles men face to stay pure as they are stimulated visually by women. They should never have it flaunted in their faces. And to have it done at church is an abomination.”
That is a woman speaking to her sisters in Christ.
Then the third introductory concern is this.
You may go to other churches and you may find expressions of dress that are contrary to the things that I am going to articulate this morning and my response to that is the words of Jesus in John 21. “What is that to you? Follow thou me.” We leave to other pastors to answer to God what they do in the sphere of their responsibility. We are concerned with what we do in this sphere of our responsibility. And if you find that some of the things you hear this morning are not going down smoothly, we plead with you. Don’t seek out others who share your reservations and form a little grousing club. Come to us with an open Bible and show us where we have gone beyond the Scripture and we will stand in this pulpit and make alterations or retractions whichever are necessary.
Now I come, first of all, to an appeal for decided modesty of dress.
If you were to look up the word “decided” you would find that it is defined as, “Definite and unmistakable and clear cut.” I am making a pastoral appeal for dress that is marked by decided modesty. In other words, every rational man or woman should be able to say, “That woman is dressed modestly.”
Let us look, first of all, at the biblical basis for our concern. We will go to 1 Timothy 2:9 and 10. But we will start with 3:14-15. Paul tells Timothy : “Timothy, I am writing specific directives concerning behavior in God’s house, the church which is the pillar and ground of the truth.”
The Church must confess the pure gospel of the grace of God and the Church must validate and illustrate that gospel in its life and in its conduct. Only then is the Church the pillar and the ground of the truth.
And nestled down in the midst of this behavior which Paul says ought to be the mark of the people of God is verse 9, “in like manner, I desire that women adorn themselves in modest apparel.”
Let me read four translations of that verse.
The NIV: “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.”
ESV: “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.”
New King James Version: “Like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation.”
New American Standard Bible: “I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly.”
Then in the following verse where he gets specific about hairdos, et cetera, Paul emphasizes that they should be neither seductive nor suggestive, nor ostentatious. They should not dress in such a way that as soon as they walk in, every head turns and looks at the hair piled up on their head in a certain way or their garments adorned in a showy way, so that people instead of being occupied with God in the service, become occupied with her.
John Stott says, “What Paul is emphasizing is that Christian women should adorn themselves with clothing, hairstyles and jewelry which in their culture are inexpensive and not extravagant; modest and not vain; chaste and not suggestive.”
So, for us as your pastors to be upfront and graciously confrontational and proactive concerning the matter of modestly, is part of our duty. What would you think of us if we gave up the centrality of prayer shaped by the gospel in our life together as a church? When the text says, “I will first of all that prayer, supplication, intercession, giving of thanks be made for all men.” What would you think of us if we no longer insisted on the biblical standard for elders from Chapter 3? What would you think of us if we gave up what Paul says about the teaching, ruling ministry in the Church and that women are not to teach the mixed assembly, women are not to govern and we began to entertain the thought of women elders? I ask you. In Christ’s name, what would you think of us if we permitted this? In the same way, nestled in these same directives is the apostolic mandate that women must dress modestly in the house of God. And we are not going to avoid the insistence that that will be true in this house of God.
That is the biblical basis for our appeal. We have no alternative.
I want to identify the 10 things that most frequently tempt men to think unclean thoughts. This is not an exhaustive list, but I believe I am accurate in saying these are 10 triggers to lustful thoughts. These are like magnets in a women’s dress, magnets that draw men’s eyes to parts of their bodies that if they are to maintain purity of mind they don’t want their minds drawn to these parts of a woman’s body.
Here are the 10 magnets to men’s eyes.
Number One. Dresses or skirts with lengthy slits. When a man’s eye sees a slit that comes up to the knee or above, he thinks, “Oh, a few more inches and what would I see?” That is the way a man’s mind works. If your fathers have not told you this, daughters, it is true. If you husbands have not told your wives this, shame on you. This is a magnet to men’s eyes, dresses or skirts with lengthy slits.
Number Two. Dresses or skirts which hug the buttocks. I don’t know a better word to use. What do I mean? My shirt is not hugging any part of my body except, perhaps, my wrist. A skirt that hugs the buttocks is a skirt that not only comes down over the buttocks, but back in to the back of the thighs. When you see pictures of prostitutes one of the marks of a prostitute is this: She always has her buttocks hugged, whether it is a mini skirt, whether it is jeans, whether it is tight slacks, her butt is always hugged because that is what she is selling. And that is what she wants you to buy. It is a magnet to men’s eyes.
Number Three. Any upper garment that hugs the breast. And I don’t know a better way to describe it. It is one thing for your garment to come down over and hang loosely upon the breast, but to hug the breast, to shape and isolate your breasts becomes a magnet to men’s eyes. People should not receive an anatomy lesson in mammary glands when they look at you women. It is a magnet to men’s eyes.
Number Four. Unbuttoned blouses, low neck lines or cleavage on any upper body garment. You know what I mean by the buttons. You have got a blouse that buttons up to the top. But you unbutton it down to one button away from bearing your bra. And when a man sees only one button to go his mind goes, I wonder what is under that one more button.
John Piper, is burdened about this issue and he has posted an article on the internet, “Is Modesty an Issue in the Church Today?” Listen to Mr. Piper.
“Necklines are an issue these days. Everywhere I turn, at the airport, at the church the necklines are plunging. Some fashion designers in the world are communicating to women today that the thing to do is to have your neckline split extend too low. Unbuttoned blouses, low neck lines on the shirts that may be under your jacket, cleavage of any kind on any upper body garment. And also, women, remember. In the church setting you are found at times bending over, picking up a child. Bend over and look at yourself in the mirror before you leave your home. What may seem to cover you well standing, bending over does not cover you sufficiently to be dressed modestly.”
Number Five. Sleeveless blouses or dresses with large arm holes. You look down on your sleeveless dress and you see nothing but your shoulder. But if it is a large arm hole, a man sitting behind you looks up at the pulpit, sees through to your bra. And his mind goes where he doesn’t want it to go. It is immodest to wear sleeveless blouses and dresses with large arm holes. If the arm holes are tight enough that no one can see in, then that is your liberty before God.
Number Six. Low-rise skirts or pants. This is the style made popular by Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez - these sex pots, who flaunt their bodies in their gyrations with their music. They have made this style popular - skirts that barely hang on the hip bones and with the jeans that barely come up and cover the crack of the buttocks. I have been in situations with Christian women where I have seen the crack of their buttocks because of the low rise jeans, skirts or pants.
Number Seven. See-through clothing of any kind: clothing that does not cover your under garments to the point where no one can see them. Some of you need to know the function of a camisole.
Number Eight. Skirts and dresses that are just plain too short. Difficult when you are seated to adequately cover yourself. And when you get engrossed in something in a public setting, you are not keeping your knees locked together and before long the legs are spread a bit and anyone just happening to glance can see clean up to your underwear. That is immodest. It becomes a magnet to men’s eyes.
Listen to Mrs. Mohler again. She says, “If you arrive at church dressed in such a way that by the end of the service the people around you by no fault of their own know the color of your underwear and they have watched you do a shimmy dance as you try to get your too short, too tight skirt to go down, there is a big problem.”
Number Nine. Slacks or pants or jeans that hug the buttocks, the thighs and the crotch. And by the way, “crotch” is not a coarse word. The dictionary defines it as “the place where the legs fork from the human body, the seam or place where the legs of a pair of pants meet”.
And here I speak from a deeply burdened heart. This is one of the areas, dear women, where the immodesty has taken over in our church. Some of you are showing up with slacks that either have spandex in them or are made from some stretch material that hugs the buttocks, comes around and hugs the thigh and presses up on your crotch and the crack of your buttocks. You have no idea what that does to many a man when he sees it. You draw his eye to the most erotic part of your body. That whole area becomes a magnet for men’s eyes.
Number Ten. A bared midriff and back. This whole present style where tops come down and just barely, if at all, meet the low rise jeans. You may look in the mirror and say, “Well, I am fully covered.” But all you need to do is to reach out – and a couple of inches of your belly are showing. When you bend down, people can see your back and usually the top of your underwear as well. And this has happened right in this assembly.
One man said to one of the elders, “I saw a woman bend over. I could see the top of her panties and I wondered what it would be like to put my hand down her back.” This was a godly young man, passionate to be holy, who was caused to stumble in this church.
And I am going to do something right now. I am going to ask the men seated here this morning and the boys: If you find any one or more of these things that I have called magnets for your eyes an occasion of struggling with purity of your mind, I want you to raise your hand.
Now, sisters, look around. Get a good look at how many men there are. Many dear brothers are struggling with these issues.
I am not a dirty minded old man trying to rob you sisters of your Christian liberty. I am a pastor determined that in this place, women shall appear modestly to the glory of God and to the good of their precious brothers.
So, having laid out the biblical basis of our concern, and having identified the 10 magnets to men’s eyes, what are you to do as a woman? Here is my counsel.
Number One. Repent.
Repent of the ways in which you have unknowingly and carelessly allowed yourself to be sucked in by the world’s standards and have caused occasion of stumbling to your brothers. Ask God’s forgiveness. Go to the Lord Jesus Christ and say, “Lord Jesus, wash me in your precious blood. I had no idea that those tight slacks that are so comfortable caused my brothers to sin. Oh, Lord Jesus, forgive me.”
I trust that many of you will have dealings with God today in the way of repentance.
“Lord Jesus, I had no idea that that shirt that hugged my breasts and shaped them was an occasion of stumbling. Lord Jesus, forgive me. Cleanse me. Wash me in your precious blood.”
Repent. Go to Christ in faith. Find the purging of His precious blood. “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
And then “bring forth fruits in keeping with your repentance.” Go to your dresser drawers, go to your closet and remove anything and everything that has one of these 10 magnets embedded in them.
But you may say, “Pastor, then I will have to show up in the same outfit for the next five weeks.”
Hallelujah! We will rejoice – for it will be modest.
And if anybody comes up and says, “Hey, don’t you have another dress?” - you come and tell us and we will deal with them.
Secondly. Pray for and labor to cultivate a sensitive and well instructed conscience before God on this issue.
I am 99.44 % certain, that a number of you women, as I have gone down these 10 things, you have been saying, “I never realized. I never realized. I never realized.” But now you have gotten instruction. “To him that knows to do good and does it not, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). You can’t claim ignorance after this morning. You pray and ask God to help you to cultivate a sensitive, well instructed conscience before him concerning this issue. Pray in the Luke 17 passage. Pray in the Romans 14:13 passage. Listen to the words of John Piper: “I plead with the Christian women of the world that they take into consideration the things they are saying by what they are wearing. Dress to please the Lord. And you can still dress beautifully. You don’t have to look stupid or out of style to be modest. I know this is the case because there are hundreds of very attractive women at our church who dress modestly and don’t cause men to stumble. And they don’t look out of style.”
That is my plea to you. Repent and bring forth fruits meet for repentance. Pray for and labor to cultivate a sensitive, well instructed conscience before God concerning this issue.
Thirdly. Welcome the quality control upon your modesty that should come from your husband, from your father, from your mother, from the people of God and from your pastors. You may judge something to be modest because you look at yourself through your own eyes. Someone else is looking at you through a different set of eyes.
Now, if there are some men who believe that you are modest only if you show up like a Muslim woman, we will take those men aside and deal with them. We are not advocating that you go out and get a black gunny sack, cut two holes in it and stick it on your head, not at all. But we need quality control. You men know what are the magnets to your eyes. Monitor what your wife wears.
It hurts me at times, when my wife comes into my study and says “Well, Al, what do you think about this dress?”
“No, dear,” I say, “it looks nice on you, but it looks too nice on you.”
You be the quality controller for your wife. She is not a man. She doesn’t think like a man. You can’t expect her to think like a man. But you are a man. Then, begin to act like one. Act like a man and say it sweetly. “Dear, the slit goes up to high.”
“Oh, but honey...”
“Dear, the slit goes up too high.”
“Oh, but honey.”
“The slit is too high.”
In other words, you start out nice and sweet. If she resists you, you meet her head on and say, “You will not leave this house with that skirt as long as I am your husband. End of discussion.”
Now, let me ask you men if you have got that kind of holy testosterone. If not, go to God and ask him to give you a good shot of it. Be sweet. Be gentle. Be kind. Be sensitive. But if she starts whining and begins to wear you down, stand your ground. Quality control of husband and father for the daughters and mother. You have every right while your children are under your roof. Not only do you have the right, you have the responsibility that they dress modestly. It is your responsibility.
Now I want you to listen to another one of your sisters in Christ, Mrs. Mohler. I have never met her, but she has got spirit and courage. She says: “Mothers of sons have often asked me, ‘What can we do? We don’t have daughters we can influence, but we have sons that are looking at how your daughters dress.’ It is our job then, as mothers of daughters to make sure our daughters’ appearance does not cause men to stumble or cause women to point to them as examples in order to make their case.”
Richard Baxter, the great Puritan preacher said to women, “And you must not lay a stumbling block in the way of men nor blow up the fire of their lust, nor make your ornaments snares. But you must walk among sinful persons as you would do with a candle among straw or gunpowder or else you may see a fire that you do not foresee, when it is too late to quench it.”
And what do you do with respect to your daughter that pushes you and pushes you with regard to a certain standard? Well, Mrs.Mohler has some very helpful counsel again. She says, “You are the mother. You are the father. You stand the ground and you tell your daughter, ‘In this house, this is off base. This is off base. No discussion. End of the issue.”
Perhaps you need the quality control of one another, since some of you don’t have a husband or a father. The Scripture says in Hebrews 3:13, “Exhort one another while it is called today lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” Sin is deceitful. You may think, “Oh, I am dressed perfectly modestly.” But sin has deceived you. You are not dressed modestly. You need the quality control of God’s people to draw you aside lovingly and say to you, “My dear sister, I know you do not want to cause any man to think unclean thoughts because of you. Isn’t that true?”
“Well, of course,” she says.
“Then I think, maybe you ought to reconsider this or that dress that you are wearing.”
This is how we can graciously exhort one another.
And if there is a pattern of immodestly (notice what I said — a pattern of immodestly) that does not yield to husband or to mother or to father or to the people of God, then we elders have to deal with it. And we will confront you and say, “Our Bibles say that behavior in the house of God mandates modestly of dress among the women. You have a pattern of immodesty. It must stop.”
That is our responsibility.
And one text that keeps thundering in my ear, is what the prophet Isaiah spoke of the false prophets: “They are dumb dogs that cannot bark” (Isa.56:10). Dumb dogs, a watch dog that when the thief comes, sits there and licks his hand and doesn’t bark.
I pray, “Oh, God, don’t let us be charged with being dumb dogs that cannot bark, that cannot stand against the tremendous pressure that the world is bringing upon women to get them to compromise and be insensitive to the biblical standard of modesty. “
I have just dealt with modesty. I haven’t given my appeal for distinctive femininity of dress. That will have to wait.
So what have we done? I gave you three disclaimers. We are not saying that if God brings raw sinners among us dressed like sinners we will reject them until they change their clothing. No. That has never been our position; and it will not be as long as Christ rules in this Church.
I don’t believe that the women in membership in this church are trying to be cutesy seductive; or that, if one of the men of this church propositioned you, you would like that. No. But you still like being cutesy seductive - you know what your tight skirt does to the eyes of men and you like it.
I gave you the biblical basis for our concern, 1 Timothy.
I gave you the 10 magnets for men’s eyes.
And then I sought to lay before you what you ought to do in the light of what you have heard. Repent, pray for a sensitized conscience and then plead with God to be sensitive to the quality control of husband, father, mother, the people of God and your pastors.
God grant that it will not be long before any one coming into Trinity Church or coming for the first time will see the gospel validated in the decided modesty of the women of this church. The gospel is at stake, my dear sisters. Let’s preserve it in its substance, in its doctrinal purity and in its powerful application to take women out of the society where immodesty is the order of the day and make them attractive, tasteful, modest, Christian women to the glory and to the praise of our God.
27 March 2010
Living in the Discomfort Zone: Better Safe than Sorry
Proactively Protecting Yourself from Worldly Flirting Stratagems
My Dear Daughter,
In a few months from now, you will be moving out for higher studies and then go on to work in a corporate office. It is my desire that you should be able to intentionally cultivate multiple, healthy, holy and equidistant friendships with those in the opposite sex. But in this fallen world, where we cannot trust all people we have to be very careful about sexual harassment and so I choose to write to you on this subject because for you to be forewarned is for you to be forearmed.
Under the sub titles ‘Worldly Flirting Stratagems’ I shall first describe to you some of the flirting strategies used by non-believer girls, ladies, or even teen girls (flirting usually begins during the teens). In the campus or work place these simple strategies ensure that these worldly women will never lack attention from the opposite sex! They will be popular; much sought after and may even climb the ladder called ‘success’ faster than you.
If this letter gets into wrong hands, I am afraid; those ‘aspiring-to-flirt’ and the ‘I-need-help-in-flirting’ ones would surely misuse it. My intention is to equip you, my daughter, to label flirty behaviour the moment you see it in girls or guys – that you would know what they are up to and why they do what they do. And also that you may realise that these stratagems are not really new for your generation – they must have been in use since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Under the sub titles ‘Proactive Protective Strategies’ I give you my godly advice to keep yourself safe in this flirtatious world. When you follow these protective strategies, you may be branded as the odd one out. There may even be attempts to frame a case against you and victimise you for non-compliance to flirtatious demands. But that doesn’t matter: dare to be different and know that you are the pinch of salt (Mathew 5:13) which can make all the difference. In John 17: 15, 16 Jesus Christ prayed for you not to take you out of this world, but that you should be kept them from the evil one, knowing that just as He was, you too will not feel at home in this world. Romans 12:2 exhorts us not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, in order to prove what is that good and pleasing and perfect will of God.
1. The Dress
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Girls are expected to always look sensuous. You don't need expensive designer clothing for that. What you basically need is excellently tailored clothes, which accentuate the right places on your body.
Proactive Protective Strategy: There is no virtue in being shabbily dressed but, my daughter, be modest and very careful about your dress. Avoid tights, low necks, tops with high slits, mini skirts, etc. Dress for the occasion such that you would not be taken note of for the sensuality of what you wear. It is safer to err on the side of not being bracketed with those who parade in the latest fad.
2. The Eyes:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The eyes can be your most effective tool for flirting. It's possible to make a guy's heart skip a beat by giving him a playful, lusty, or lingering stare. If you're walking by someone you've got the hots for, give him a 2-3 second stare and then slowly glance away (slow is important). Smile just as you start to look away. He'll get the message.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, in normal conversation you meet the eyes of the other person for a certain amount of time, then one or the other glances away. This is the way of conversation. But when a special feeling is developing for the other person, this is signalled by the prolonged stare. It is a promise of more to come. We know it when we see it. Godly Job made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1). Do not give opportunity for a lingering stare from someone you don’t trust. Looking straight back into the eyes of a guy/man who has a lingering stare on you, as if to ask, why are you staring at me, may in fact be the very compliment he was seeking. Instead refuse to reward the stare by ignoring it and proceed to tactfully reposition yourself as if his stare was not even taken notice of by you.
3. The Add Ons:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Always give guys a reason to talk to you: wear or bring something that can catch their attention such as unusual jewellery, flashy nail polish, an aromatic scent, a trendy hand bag, or an interesting book. These objects are natural conversation starters!
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, do not be noted for the wrong reason. Instead, let them know that you are different in your faith and value system. Let your love for those who truly love the Lord Jesus Christ be the one factor that gets noted by your colleagues. (John 13: 35)
4. The Conversations:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Let the guys know or feel that you are interested in them. If you want them to communicate, LISTEN to them! Ask probing questions on personal matters. Move the conversation from facts and opinions to emotions and transparency. Empathise.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Trying to be an encouragement to a guy and helping him out in areas of his life outside the office is a sure invitation to emotional dependency. My daughter, if you have doubts on the intention of a guy showing interest in you, then restrict your talk to something related to your study or profession. As soon as the subject shifts, become visibly inattentive and purposively distracted. Shrug off queries that are not associated to your profession by stating: ‘I am sorry; I choose not to talk on that subject.’ If they persist and ask, ‘Why’ just say: ‘It’s my choice and I don’t feel compelled to give you reason for my choice.’ If the guy begins to share some of his personal problems with you, ask him to find some other person to confide in. To say so early enough, in the right tone of voice (low but firm) is being wise and appropriately assertive.
5. The Cell Phone Chats
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The cell phone provides a non face-to-face setting that allows the mind to quickly move into the world of imagination and fantasy. It provides for an exclusive one-to-one conversation. For these simple reasons, people who talk little when they are physically face-to-face, tend to open up and confide more when they talk over the cell phone.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Don’t reply to unwanted messages. Don’t feel compelled to reply to chat invitations that pop up on your computer screen. Simply ignore them. Do not pick calls from guys whom you do not want to talk to. If you get repeated calls in a short span of time pick the call and ask why he called. May be it was something urgent that you needed to know. But if he had called ‘simply to talk’, tell him that you are not free and hang up. If he seeks to know why you didn’t pick the call simply tell him that you had other things to do.
6. The Verbal and Non-Verbal Cues:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem:
Verbal: The way you say something is far more important than what you say. Use a playful, sexy, and energetic voice. Don't be monotone, ladies. Use your sexiest and most sultry voice. Keep the conversation light, nothing serious or in-depth.
Non-Verbal: Positioning of the legs is an excellent way for women to convey interest. By sensuously touching yourself (hair, lips, bottom of neck/upper chest, etc.) or playfully grazing him with light touches and you can drive home the point that you're interested.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, watch the tone of your voice. Be serious. In Indian culture, you not have to shake hands unless it is offered to you. When you do have to shake hands with another person of the opposite sex, if he holds your hands for just a second too long, it is a definite signal. Do not let the touch linger. If a man comes by your desk and puts his hand on your arm or shoulder he is telling you something. When talking to a married couple, if you sense a little electricity in the air between the husband and you, direct your attention to his wife and even take an almost unnoticed step back from him. Therefore, my daughter, watch your own body movements and keep safe social distance.
7. The Compliments and the Smile:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Compliment the guys on the way he looks, the report he presented, etc. Solicit compliments on your dress, hairdo or presentation from the opposite sex.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, reserve your compliments for the same sex even if you think your compliments for the opposite sex are genuine and honest. Unfortunately we have to err on the safer side. Don’t go fishing for compliments from the opposite sex.
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: When someone has to make the first move the simplest and safest way to do that is to SMILE! It's a nice way of telling that you are interested without being so hanky.
Proactive Protective Strategy: The Bible exhorts us rejoice in the Lord in our inner being but never exhorts us to put on a cosmetic smile. Therefore, my daughter, reserve your smile only for a genuine and true expression of your inner emotions. The Scripture exhorts us to be sober minded. Remember the Lord Jesus Christ was one person who enjoyed a deep sense of inner joy and fulfilment in life, but the Bible says, his continence was that of a ‘man of sorrows’. A godly soberness shone on your face will keep you safe from many an unwanted assault.
8. The Hang Outs:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Great places to start flirting with guys are parties (social occasions, functions or celebrations), eat outs and hang outs, adventure trips, study tours, picnics, ice breaking games, participant sports/hobbies and spectator events.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Psalms 1 sheds a lot of insight on this. My daughter, to be where you ought not to be sets you in the danger zone. To be out and alone at a late hour is to put yourself at risk. If you have to go for an eat out with guys do so in uneven groups – either two guys and one girl or two girls and one guy, but never single out into exclusive pairs with the opposite sex. When you go out on a tour, where and with whom you choose to sit can make all the difference. Unless it is an emergency, avoid going on bikes with any guy.
To walk this path is to choose the narrow road. Rewards may not come instantly, but they will come for sure.
Despite all your best efforts, you will still be targeted at regular intervals by different guys/men each wanting to know how far you are available for them to take you for a ride.
My advice to you is that even if you are convinced that you are being targeted, avoid the usual knee-jerk reaction. You may feel out raged, but raving and ranting is not going to serve any purpose. Don’t get emotional and teary. Remain calm, take a deep breath and tell your harasser exactly how you feel. For example, it is not enough to just brush his hand off your back when he propels you forward at a meeting. Turn to him with a smile and say, ‘I’m sorry, but would you mind removing your hand from my back. I know you don’t mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable.’ If he stands too close to you in the lift or presses up against the back of your chair, don’t just edge away. Turn around, look him in the eye, and say, ‘I’m sure you don’t realise it but you are crowding me here. Do you mind standing back a little? I would really appreciate that.’
Remain as non-confrontational as possible. Keep your tone apologetic, to convey that you believe that his action is inadvertent rather than deliberate. Indicate by you body language that you don’t feel threatened by him. If he becomes defensive, assure him that you haven’t taken any offence. If he becomes aggressive – as some guys/men tend to do when confronted – don’t respond in kind. Just reiterate that you want to lay down some boundaries, so that there is no prospect of confusion and misunderstanding in future.
It is preferable if you do this one-on-one. That way, the issue remains between the two of you. He doesn’t lose face in front of his peers or his superiors. And if both sides display a modicum of maturity then the situation needn’t deteriorate any further. You can both tacitly agree to let bygones be bygones and go back to a cordial working relationship.
But if he persists in such behaviour, then you have no option but to up the ante. At this point you must take a trusted colleague or senior into confidence from the onset. Before you register a formal complaint, make sure you have sufficient evidence and witnesses to back you up.
In any social environment you have to behave the way you expect to be treated. It is better to be safe than sorry. From the very onset, if your behaviour sends out strong ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ vibes and if you have ensured you won’t be available in unsafe circumstances – you will establish for yourself a reputation that will go a long way in ensuring poised hassle free living in the discomfort zone.
In closing let me combine two verses (1Timothy 4:12; Philippians 2:15) of the Apostle Paul which tell us that the struggles at his time in history were no different:
‘Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.’
With loads of love,
Dad
My Dear Daughter,
In a few months from now, you will be moving out for higher studies and then go on to work in a corporate office. It is my desire that you should be able to intentionally cultivate multiple, healthy, holy and equidistant friendships with those in the opposite sex. But in this fallen world, where we cannot trust all people we have to be very careful about sexual harassment and so I choose to write to you on this subject because for you to be forewarned is for you to be forearmed.
Under the sub titles ‘Worldly Flirting Stratagems’ I shall first describe to you some of the flirting strategies used by non-believer girls, ladies, or even teen girls (flirting usually begins during the teens). In the campus or work place these simple strategies ensure that these worldly women will never lack attention from the opposite sex! They will be popular; much sought after and may even climb the ladder called ‘success’ faster than you.
If this letter gets into wrong hands, I am afraid; those ‘aspiring-to-flirt’ and the ‘I-need-help-in-flirting’ ones would surely misuse it. My intention is to equip you, my daughter, to label flirty behaviour the moment you see it in girls or guys – that you would know what they are up to and why they do what they do. And also that you may realise that these stratagems are not really new for your generation – they must have been in use since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Under the sub titles ‘Proactive Protective Strategies’ I give you my godly advice to keep yourself safe in this flirtatious world. When you follow these protective strategies, you may be branded as the odd one out. There may even be attempts to frame a case against you and victimise you for non-compliance to flirtatious demands. But that doesn’t matter: dare to be different and know that you are the pinch of salt (Mathew 5:13) which can make all the difference. In John 17: 15, 16 Jesus Christ prayed for you not to take you out of this world, but that you should be kept them from the evil one, knowing that just as He was, you too will not feel at home in this world. Romans 12:2 exhorts us not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, in order to prove what is that good and pleasing and perfect will of God.
1. The Dress
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Girls are expected to always look sensuous. You don't need expensive designer clothing for that. What you basically need is excellently tailored clothes, which accentuate the right places on your body.
Proactive Protective Strategy: There is no virtue in being shabbily dressed but, my daughter, be modest and very careful about your dress. Avoid tights, low necks, tops with high slits, mini skirts, etc. Dress for the occasion such that you would not be taken note of for the sensuality of what you wear. It is safer to err on the side of not being bracketed with those who parade in the latest fad.
2. The Eyes:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The eyes can be your most effective tool for flirting. It's possible to make a guy's heart skip a beat by giving him a playful, lusty, or lingering stare. If you're walking by someone you've got the hots for, give him a 2-3 second stare and then slowly glance away (slow is important). Smile just as you start to look away. He'll get the message.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, in normal conversation you meet the eyes of the other person for a certain amount of time, then one or the other glances away. This is the way of conversation. But when a special feeling is developing for the other person, this is signalled by the prolonged stare. It is a promise of more to come. We know it when we see it. Godly Job made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1). Do not give opportunity for a lingering stare from someone you don’t trust. Looking straight back into the eyes of a guy/man who has a lingering stare on you, as if to ask, why are you staring at me, may in fact be the very compliment he was seeking. Instead refuse to reward the stare by ignoring it and proceed to tactfully reposition yourself as if his stare was not even taken notice of by you.
3. The Add Ons:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Always give guys a reason to talk to you: wear or bring something that can catch their attention such as unusual jewellery, flashy nail polish, an aromatic scent, a trendy hand bag, or an interesting book. These objects are natural conversation starters!
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, do not be noted for the wrong reason. Instead, let them know that you are different in your faith and value system. Let your love for those who truly love the Lord Jesus Christ be the one factor that gets noted by your colleagues. (John 13: 35)
4. The Conversations:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Let the guys know or feel that you are interested in them. If you want them to communicate, LISTEN to them! Ask probing questions on personal matters. Move the conversation from facts and opinions to emotions and transparency. Empathise.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Trying to be an encouragement to a guy and helping him out in areas of his life outside the office is a sure invitation to emotional dependency. My daughter, if you have doubts on the intention of a guy showing interest in you, then restrict your talk to something related to your study or profession. As soon as the subject shifts, become visibly inattentive and purposively distracted. Shrug off queries that are not associated to your profession by stating: ‘I am sorry; I choose not to talk on that subject.’ If they persist and ask, ‘Why’ just say: ‘It’s my choice and I don’t feel compelled to give you reason for my choice.’ If the guy begins to share some of his personal problems with you, ask him to find some other person to confide in. To say so early enough, in the right tone of voice (low but firm) is being wise and appropriately assertive.
5. The Cell Phone Chats
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The cell phone provides a non face-to-face setting that allows the mind to quickly move into the world of imagination and fantasy. It provides for an exclusive one-to-one conversation. For these simple reasons, people who talk little when they are physically face-to-face, tend to open up and confide more when they talk over the cell phone.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Don’t reply to unwanted messages. Don’t feel compelled to reply to chat invitations that pop up on your computer screen. Simply ignore them. Do not pick calls from guys whom you do not want to talk to. If you get repeated calls in a short span of time pick the call and ask why he called. May be it was something urgent that you needed to know. But if he had called ‘simply to talk’, tell him that you are not free and hang up. If he seeks to know why you didn’t pick the call simply tell him that you had other things to do.
6. The Verbal and Non-Verbal Cues:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem:
Verbal: The way you say something is far more important than what you say. Use a playful, sexy, and energetic voice. Don't be monotone, ladies. Use your sexiest and most sultry voice. Keep the conversation light, nothing serious or in-depth.
Non-Verbal: Positioning of the legs is an excellent way for women to convey interest. By sensuously touching yourself (hair, lips, bottom of neck/upper chest, etc.) or playfully grazing him with light touches and you can drive home the point that you're interested.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, watch the tone of your voice. Be serious. In Indian culture, you not have to shake hands unless it is offered to you. When you do have to shake hands with another person of the opposite sex, if he holds your hands for just a second too long, it is a definite signal. Do not let the touch linger. If a man comes by your desk and puts his hand on your arm or shoulder he is telling you something. When talking to a married couple, if you sense a little electricity in the air between the husband and you, direct your attention to his wife and even take an almost unnoticed step back from him. Therefore, my daughter, watch your own body movements and keep safe social distance.
7. The Compliments and the Smile:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Compliment the guys on the way he looks, the report he presented, etc. Solicit compliments on your dress, hairdo or presentation from the opposite sex.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, reserve your compliments for the same sex even if you think your compliments for the opposite sex are genuine and honest. Unfortunately we have to err on the safer side. Don’t go fishing for compliments from the opposite sex.
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: When someone has to make the first move the simplest and safest way to do that is to SMILE! It's a nice way of telling that you are interested without being so hanky.
Proactive Protective Strategy: The Bible exhorts us rejoice in the Lord in our inner being but never exhorts us to put on a cosmetic smile. Therefore, my daughter, reserve your smile only for a genuine and true expression of your inner emotions. The Scripture exhorts us to be sober minded. Remember the Lord Jesus Christ was one person who enjoyed a deep sense of inner joy and fulfilment in life, but the Bible says, his continence was that of a ‘man of sorrows’. A godly soberness shone on your face will keep you safe from many an unwanted assault.
8. The Hang Outs:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Great places to start flirting with guys are parties (social occasions, functions or celebrations), eat outs and hang outs, adventure trips, study tours, picnics, ice breaking games, participant sports/hobbies and spectator events.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Psalms 1 sheds a lot of insight on this. My daughter, to be where you ought not to be sets you in the danger zone. To be out and alone at a late hour is to put yourself at risk. If you have to go for an eat out with guys do so in uneven groups – either two guys and one girl or two girls and one guy, but never single out into exclusive pairs with the opposite sex. When you go out on a tour, where and with whom you choose to sit can make all the difference. Unless it is an emergency, avoid going on bikes with any guy.
To walk this path is to choose the narrow road. Rewards may not come instantly, but they will come for sure.
Despite all your best efforts, you will still be targeted at regular intervals by different guys/men each wanting to know how far you are available for them to take you for a ride.
My advice to you is that even if you are convinced that you are being targeted, avoid the usual knee-jerk reaction. You may feel out raged, but raving and ranting is not going to serve any purpose. Don’t get emotional and teary. Remain calm, take a deep breath and tell your harasser exactly how you feel. For example, it is not enough to just brush his hand off your back when he propels you forward at a meeting. Turn to him with a smile and say, ‘I’m sorry, but would you mind removing your hand from my back. I know you don’t mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable.’ If he stands too close to you in the lift or presses up against the back of your chair, don’t just edge away. Turn around, look him in the eye, and say, ‘I’m sure you don’t realise it but you are crowding me here. Do you mind standing back a little? I would really appreciate that.’
Remain as non-confrontational as possible. Keep your tone apologetic, to convey that you believe that his action is inadvertent rather than deliberate. Indicate by you body language that you don’t feel threatened by him. If he becomes defensive, assure him that you haven’t taken any offence. If he becomes aggressive – as some guys/men tend to do when confronted – don’t respond in kind. Just reiterate that you want to lay down some boundaries, so that there is no prospect of confusion and misunderstanding in future.
It is preferable if you do this one-on-one. That way, the issue remains between the two of you. He doesn’t lose face in front of his peers or his superiors. And if both sides display a modicum of maturity then the situation needn’t deteriorate any further. You can both tacitly agree to let bygones be bygones and go back to a cordial working relationship.
But if he persists in such behaviour, then you have no option but to up the ante. At this point you must take a trusted colleague or senior into confidence from the onset. Before you register a formal complaint, make sure you have sufficient evidence and witnesses to back you up.
In any social environment you have to behave the way you expect to be treated. It is better to be safe than sorry. From the very onset, if your behaviour sends out strong ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ vibes and if you have ensured you won’t be available in unsafe circumstances – you will establish for yourself a reputation that will go a long way in ensuring poised hassle free living in the discomfort zone.
In closing let me combine two verses (1Timothy 4:12; Philippians 2:15) of the Apostle Paul which tell us that the struggles at his time in history were no different:
‘Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.’
With loads of love,
Dad
26 March 2010
PILGRIMS
PILGRIMS is a body of Bible believing Christians saved through the grace of God, united in Church fellowship, so that as a holy brotherhood, we may advocate the truth of God, proclaim the riches of His sovereign mercy to the lost and perishing, and by sympathy and counsel help one another in the Christ-like and heavenward life.
We believe it our privilege and duty, by the Spirit’s aid, to bear one another’s burdens, and in the exercise of a tender-hearted, tolerant, forgiving kindliness, to avoid everything of harsh and ungenerous criticism, recognising in each other, fellow members of that mystical Body of which our risen Saviour is the Head. We seek to maintain in primitive simplicity, purity of worship and communion. We regard as essential features in the teaching of our Lord Jesus Christ that redeemed souls should walk in the newness of life and holy separation from the world; and consider those only admissible to the Lord’s Table who profess their sins forgiven though the blood of Jesus Christ, and whose lives are in harmony with that great truth.
While desiring to extend to all believers the fullest and freest liberty of conscience, we require from all Church members an adhesion to the following doctrines of our faith as understood in a simple, straight forward and evangelical sense.
DOCTRINAL STATEMENT
The verbal plenary inspiration, sole authority and all sufficiency of the 66 books of the Bible, the monotheistic view of God, the Triunity of God, the personality and eternality of God, the sovereignty of God, the deity and humanity of Christ, the virgin birth of Christ, the sinlessness of Christ, the atoning death of Christ, the bodily resurrection of Christ, the return of Christ, the personality and the deity of the Holy Spirit, the literal creation of this universe, the creation of man in the divine image, the universal sinfulness of man ever since the fall of Adam rendering man subject to Gods wrath and condemnation, the eternal heaven and hell, salvation by grace through faith, the eternal security of believers, the eternal damnation of the unsaved, the indwelling, anointing and baptism of the Holy Spirit for all born again believers, the Church universal and local, the headship of Christ over the Church, the recognition of all who trust in Christ alone for salvation as members of the body of Christ and that the local church is the visible expression of that body, the ordinance of baptism of believers by immersion upon confession of personal faith, the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper, the prohibition of worship of men and angels (including Mary, the mother of Jesus), the absence of any mediator other than Christ between man and God, and the absolute absence of any opportunity for salvation after death.
POLICY STATEMENT
Except for the above fundamental doctrines, we hold that individuals and local churches have the liberty to hold differing views, provided that they hold their distictives in love and respect, agreeing to disagree and allowing differences of opinion and practice keep our spiritual perspective balanced. While remaining fully autonomous, we co-operate with likeminded churches on a voluntary basis. We believe that local churches should continue in separate corporate existence respecting each others separate identity and full independence. We encourage each church to confess without wavering all God’s truth known to her and therefore being associated with us involves no sacrifice of principle or testimony. In all joint gatherings of two or more local churches we insist that utmost care is taken to avoid subjects where difference of opinion exist between the groups. Instead emphasis is given on the several cardinal truths that we hold in common, Instead of large churches we encourage small gatherings to enhance intimacy of fellowship and personal care. We stand opposed to legalism and exclusivism.
REGISTRATION:
PILGRIMS came into being in 1990 and was registered as a Trust in 1991 (Reg. No. 139/91/IV, Ollukkara, Mannuthy 680651, Kerala) with jurisdiction throughout India. The Trust exercises no authority over the functioning of the local churches that voluntarily choose to be affiliated with it. This is so because we believe that local churches should continue in separate corporate existence respecting each others separate identity and full independence. The Trust cares for the registration of marriages, local cemetery needs and the Trust Document carries with it the Doctrinal and Policy Statement to which local churches proclaim allegiance. In the 20 years of its existence PILGRIMS has remained small by design and stayed away from further institutionalization.
We believe it our privilege and duty, by the Spirit’s aid, to bear one another’s burdens, and in the exercise of a tender-hearted, tolerant, forgiving kindliness, to avoid everything of harsh and ungenerous criticism, recognising in each other, fellow members of that mystical Body of which our risen Saviour is the Head. We seek to maintain in primitive simplicity, purity of worship and communion. We regard as essential features in the teaching of our Lord Jesus Christ that redeemed souls should walk in the newness of life and holy separation from the world; and consider those only admissible to the Lord’s Table who profess their sins forgiven though the blood of Jesus Christ, and whose lives are in harmony with that great truth.
While desiring to extend to all believers the fullest and freest liberty of conscience, we require from all Church members an adhesion to the following doctrines of our faith as understood in a simple, straight forward and evangelical sense.
DOCTRINAL STATEMENT
The verbal plenary inspiration, sole authority and all sufficiency of the 66 books of the Bible, the monotheistic view of God, the Triunity of God, the personality and eternality of God, the sovereignty of God, the deity and humanity of Christ, the virgin birth of Christ, the sinlessness of Christ, the atoning death of Christ, the bodily resurrection of Christ, the return of Christ, the personality and the deity of the Holy Spirit, the literal creation of this universe, the creation of man in the divine image, the universal sinfulness of man ever since the fall of Adam rendering man subject to Gods wrath and condemnation, the eternal heaven and hell, salvation by grace through faith, the eternal security of believers, the eternal damnation of the unsaved, the indwelling, anointing and baptism of the Holy Spirit for all born again believers, the Church universal and local, the headship of Christ over the Church, the recognition of all who trust in Christ alone for salvation as members of the body of Christ and that the local church is the visible expression of that body, the ordinance of baptism of believers by immersion upon confession of personal faith, the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper, the prohibition of worship of men and angels (including Mary, the mother of Jesus), the absence of any mediator other than Christ between man and God, and the absolute absence of any opportunity for salvation after death.
POLICY STATEMENT
Except for the above fundamental doctrines, we hold that individuals and local churches have the liberty to hold differing views, provided that they hold their distictives in love and respect, agreeing to disagree and allowing differences of opinion and practice keep our spiritual perspective balanced. While remaining fully autonomous, we co-operate with likeminded churches on a voluntary basis. We believe that local churches should continue in separate corporate existence respecting each others separate identity and full independence. We encourage each church to confess without wavering all God’s truth known to her and therefore being associated with us involves no sacrifice of principle or testimony. In all joint gatherings of two or more local churches we insist that utmost care is taken to avoid subjects where difference of opinion exist between the groups. Instead emphasis is given on the several cardinal truths that we hold in common, Instead of large churches we encourage small gatherings to enhance intimacy of fellowship and personal care. We stand opposed to legalism and exclusivism.
REGISTRATION:
PILGRIMS came into being in 1990 and was registered as a Trust in 1991 (Reg. No. 139/91/IV, Ollukkara, Mannuthy 680651, Kerala) with jurisdiction throughout India. The Trust exercises no authority over the functioning of the local churches that voluntarily choose to be affiliated with it. This is so because we believe that local churches should continue in separate corporate existence respecting each others separate identity and full independence. The Trust cares for the registration of marriages, local cemetery needs and the Trust Document carries with it the Doctrinal and Policy Statement to which local churches proclaim allegiance. In the 20 years of its existence PILGRIMS has remained small by design and stayed away from further institutionalization.
Mission: Evangelism or Social Action?
Extracted from the writings of John Stott
I suggest the need for a three fold recognition about evangelism and social action:
- Recognition that the two are partners in the Christian mission… ‘distinct yet equal’ partners. Neither in an excuse for the other, a cloak for the other, or a means to the other. Each exists in its own right as an expression of Christian love. Both should be included to some degree in every local churches programme
- Recognition that both are also every individual Christian’s responsibility. Every Christian is a witness, and must take whatever opportunities he is given. Every Christian is also a servant, and must respond to challenges to service, without regarding them as merely occasions for evangelism. Yet the existential situation will often assign priority to one or other of the two responsibilities. For example, the Good Samaritan’s ministry to the brigand’s victim was not to stuff tracts into his pocket but to pour oil into his wounds. For this was what the situation demanded.
- Recognition that, although both are part of the Church’s and the Christian’s duties, yet God calls different people to different ministries and endows them with appropriate gifts. This is a necessary deduction from the nature of the Church as Christ’s body. Although we should resist polarization between evangelism and social action, we should not resist specialization. Everybody cannot do everything. Some are called to be evangelists, others to be social workers, others to be political activist. Within each local church, which is the body of Christ in the locality committed to both evangelism and social action, there is a proper place for individual specialists and for specialist groups.
Yet the
God is GOOD. He is UNABLE to do EVIL
A R Peter shares…
Excerpts from an informal talk with students of the ICEU, Thrissur on 30th January 2010
I committed my life to Jesus Christ in late 1978 while I was a student of the Mar Athanasious College of Engineering, Kothamangalam. The Open Homes of the graduates there had a significant influence on me and I made a commitment to serve the Lord wherever He placed me. I had applied for a job at NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad but circumstances did not permit me to attend the interview. For some reason the rank list was cancelled and the interview had to be conducted all over again on a later date. I was selected without any political pressure or any unethical means. Thus I joined as a Lecturer in NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad.
The EGF at Palakad was a source of great encouragement to me. In those days in my Roman Catholic family none understood what I meant by claiming to be a born again believer. So when I insisted that I would marry a girl only with similar convictions, they could not understand it. God provided Shirley to be my wife. We got married in 1988 and together we started a home near the college campus.
Our home became a home away from home for many who studied at the NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad. Several camps and retreats were organized in our home. Boys would sometimes continue to stay till midnight asking questions and clarifying doubts. Open Home is a concept that cannot be taught theoretically, it can only be learned from practical observation. There was a believer girl from Buddhist background. She was shell shocked when she found Shirley using cane to discipline our children. Thus she realised that even believers' children had to be disciplined.
Four years ago I developed a nasal blockage and I was treated by an ENT surgeon for two years. The nasal drops to ease my congested nose helped me to have good sleep at night. But, one day I noticed a red shade of blood. The scan reports and biopsy revealed a major tumour had extended from the nose all its way into the outer membrane of brain. It was malignant third stage cancer. It was July 2008. ‘Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee’ was a verse that kept coming back to my mind and I experienced perfect peace amidst all these problems. I didn’t know the reference of this verse. I had probably seen this verse frequently on some calendar. Later on I found it was in Isaiah 26:3(KJV). I realised the value of memorising verses.
Chemotherapy gave me a vomiting tendency all day and night. I became physically very weak and internally very insecure due to nausea. Instead of shrinking, 5% growth took place in the tumour after chemotherapy. The only option now was to undergo a very risky surgery.
The doctors made it very explicit to me that it was a complicated case. But because I had the assurance of salvation, I knew that if I die I would be in the presence of God – and that was in fact a better place to live. Shirley was a committed home maker and I was the only earning member of the family. But I had no anxiety about their future because, it was God who had sustained my family this far. The same God was capable of sustaining my family even in my absence. God had not changed. It was the unchangeable attributes of God that strengthened me during those difficult days. God CAN NOT do any evil. That is different from saying that God WILL NOT do evil. The truth is that God is UNABLE to do evil. If God has permitted this in my life, it is because He has foreseen some GOOD to accrue from it. (Romans 8:28). A child safe in the mothers’ arms doesn’t have to be anxious when crossing a busy road. Likewise I rested in the knowledge that my God was able and in full control. I was never led to ask, ‘Why me?’
I experienced the communion of the universal church: believers whom I still do not know and whom I had never seen were praying for me all over the world. I know you will not believe it, but neither my beloved wife nor my three young children broke down at any point of time during all this. I believe they were being kept by the special grace of God. With a smile on his face, my elder son, bid farewell to me as I was rolled on trolley into the operation theatre.
The chain prayers supported 10½ hour surgery involving two teams of doctors working simultaneously: one team working through my nose and the other team through my skull. The skin of head was slided to the front; the skull sawed open, all extensions of the tumour carefully removed - all this had to be done ensuring that my brain remained in its natural environs surrounded by pressurised fluid. The orbit bone above my left eye had to be reconstructed; a titanium plate placed instead of the disintegrated part of skull, and a skin graft from my thigh was used to patch up the hole made in the membrane surrounding the brain. During all these procedures if one nerve was mistakenly damaged, the consequences would have been life long – paralysis or disfigurement of my face. It is now with so much meaning I am able to join the Psalmist to say to the ‘Lord: I praise You; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are marvellous and my soul knows it very well.’ (Psalms 139:14). I even marvelled at the medical fraternity’s ability to undertake such complex procedures. But ultimately it was God who controlled the entire procedure.
Post Operative Radiation was in fact worse than the Chemotherapy and the Surgery. I understood the depth of verses like ‘My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and My tongue clings to My jaws’ (Psalms 22:15) with fresh meaning. My mouth was full of blisters. I was on morphine for one full month – asleep day in and day out. I would throw up any liquids I tried to take in. As days become months, Shirley had to prepare 12 meals a day for me – each time boiling fresh vegetables, grinding them, filtering the soup and feeding me at 1½ hour intervals. For six months I was on liquid food alone. It was a big strain for her, but not once did I see any expression of complaint or hear a word of murmur from her.
Today my salivary glands are not fully functional. I have to keep wetting my mouth with water frequently when I speak. I always carry a bottle of water in my pocket. I have completely lost my sense of smell. Most of us do not realise how much the sense of smell and taste are interrelated. Because I have no smell, I have only very little taste.
A few months before I became sick I had attended a funeral where the preacher spoke from Acts 13:26 ‘For after he had served his own generation by the will of God, David fell asleep and was buried with his fathers.’ I am able to relate the lessons I learnt from all that I went through with that verse. I learned that we can serve God only in our generation. We ought to serve the Lord in accordance to Gods will and not doing our will. The time we have to serve God is not unlimited. A time will come when each one of us will have to die and cease from our labour. When I became sick and bed-ridden I was not affected by depression or regret. The memories of being active in the Lord's work while I was healthy, kept me from being regretful.
God granted me the opportunity to share the gospel to several non-believers who came to see me while I was recuperating. My colleagues in College have divided my course work amongst them and they do not permit me to strain. I marvel at how much God has provided for me.
Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, from all that I have had to go through, I have come out with a far deeper understanding of who God is and this is what I have to say to you: (1) Give thanks for the health that you now have. You will realise its value only when some organ of your body becomes dysfunctional. (2) Serve the Lord when you are able. A time will come when you will not be able. Every minute is precious; every minute counts (3) God is GOOD. He is UNABLE to do evil.
(You can send your feedback. That could be an encouragement: A. R. Peter 9446127500 or arpeter1059@gmail.com)
Excerpts from an informal talk with students of the ICEU, Thrissur on 30th January 2010
I committed my life to Jesus Christ in late 1978 while I was a student of the Mar Athanasious College of Engineering, Kothamangalam. The Open Homes of the graduates there had a significant influence on me and I made a commitment to serve the Lord wherever He placed me. I had applied for a job at NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad but circumstances did not permit me to attend the interview. For some reason the rank list was cancelled and the interview had to be conducted all over again on a later date. I was selected without any political pressure or any unethical means. Thus I joined as a Lecturer in NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad.
The EGF at Palakad was a source of great encouragement to me. In those days in my Roman Catholic family none understood what I meant by claiming to be a born again believer. So when I insisted that I would marry a girl only with similar convictions, they could not understand it. God provided Shirley to be my wife. We got married in 1988 and together we started a home near the college campus.
Our home became a home away from home for many who studied at the NSS College of Engineering, Palakkad. Several camps and retreats were organized in our home. Boys would sometimes continue to stay till midnight asking questions and clarifying doubts. Open Home is a concept that cannot be taught theoretically, it can only be learned from practical observation. There was a believer girl from Buddhist background. She was shell shocked when she found Shirley using cane to discipline our children. Thus she realised that even believers' children had to be disciplined.
Four years ago I developed a nasal blockage and I was treated by an ENT surgeon for two years. The nasal drops to ease my congested nose helped me to have good sleep at night. But, one day I noticed a red shade of blood. The scan reports and biopsy revealed a major tumour had extended from the nose all its way into the outer membrane of brain. It was malignant third stage cancer. It was July 2008. ‘Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee’ was a verse that kept coming back to my mind and I experienced perfect peace amidst all these problems. I didn’t know the reference of this verse. I had probably seen this verse frequently on some calendar. Later on I found it was in Isaiah 26:3(KJV). I realised the value of memorising verses.
Chemotherapy gave me a vomiting tendency all day and night. I became physically very weak and internally very insecure due to nausea. Instead of shrinking, 5% growth took place in the tumour after chemotherapy. The only option now was to undergo a very risky surgery.
The doctors made it very explicit to me that it was a complicated case. But because I had the assurance of salvation, I knew that if I die I would be in the presence of God – and that was in fact a better place to live. Shirley was a committed home maker and I was the only earning member of the family. But I had no anxiety about their future because, it was God who had sustained my family this far. The same God was capable of sustaining my family even in my absence. God had not changed. It was the unchangeable attributes of God that strengthened me during those difficult days. God CAN NOT do any evil. That is different from saying that God WILL NOT do evil. The truth is that God is UNABLE to do evil. If God has permitted this in my life, it is because He has foreseen some GOOD to accrue from it. (Romans 8:28). A child safe in the mothers’ arms doesn’t have to be anxious when crossing a busy road. Likewise I rested in the knowledge that my God was able and in full control. I was never led to ask, ‘Why me?’
I experienced the communion of the universal church: believers whom I still do not know and whom I had never seen were praying for me all over the world. I know you will not believe it, but neither my beloved wife nor my three young children broke down at any point of time during all this. I believe they were being kept by the special grace of God. With a smile on his face, my elder son, bid farewell to me as I was rolled on trolley into the operation theatre.
The chain prayers supported 10½ hour surgery involving two teams of doctors working simultaneously: one team working through my nose and the other team through my skull. The skin of head was slided to the front; the skull sawed open, all extensions of the tumour carefully removed - all this had to be done ensuring that my brain remained in its natural environs surrounded by pressurised fluid. The orbit bone above my left eye had to be reconstructed; a titanium plate placed instead of the disintegrated part of skull, and a skin graft from my thigh was used to patch up the hole made in the membrane surrounding the brain. During all these procedures if one nerve was mistakenly damaged, the consequences would have been life long – paralysis or disfigurement of my face. It is now with so much meaning I am able to join the Psalmist to say to the ‘Lord: I praise You; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are marvellous and my soul knows it very well.’ (Psalms 139:14). I even marvelled at the medical fraternity’s ability to undertake such complex procedures. But ultimately it was God who controlled the entire procedure.
Post Operative Radiation was in fact worse than the Chemotherapy and the Surgery. I understood the depth of verses like ‘My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and My tongue clings to My jaws’ (Psalms 22:15) with fresh meaning. My mouth was full of blisters. I was on morphine for one full month – asleep day in and day out. I would throw up any liquids I tried to take in. As days become months, Shirley had to prepare 12 meals a day for me – each time boiling fresh vegetables, grinding them, filtering the soup and feeding me at 1½ hour intervals. For six months I was on liquid food alone. It was a big strain for her, but not once did I see any expression of complaint or hear a word of murmur from her.
Today my salivary glands are not fully functional. I have to keep wetting my mouth with water frequently when I speak. I always carry a bottle of water in my pocket. I have completely lost my sense of smell. Most of us do not realise how much the sense of smell and taste are interrelated. Because I have no smell, I have only very little taste.
A few months before I became sick I had attended a funeral where the preacher spoke from Acts 13:26 ‘For after he had served his own generation by the will of God, David fell asleep and was buried with his fathers.’ I am able to relate the lessons I learnt from all that I went through with that verse. I learned that we can serve God only in our generation. We ought to serve the Lord in accordance to Gods will and not doing our will. The time we have to serve God is not unlimited. A time will come when each one of us will have to die and cease from our labour. When I became sick and bed-ridden I was not affected by depression or regret. The memories of being active in the Lord's work while I was healthy, kept me from being regretful.
God granted me the opportunity to share the gospel to several non-believers who came to see me while I was recuperating. My colleagues in College have divided my course work amongst them and they do not permit me to strain. I marvel at how much God has provided for me.
Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, from all that I have had to go through, I have come out with a far deeper understanding of who God is and this is what I have to say to you: (1) Give thanks for the health that you now have. You will realise its value only when some organ of your body becomes dysfunctional. (2) Serve the Lord when you are able. A time will come when you will not be able. Every minute is precious; every minute counts (3) God is GOOD. He is UNABLE to do evil.
(You can send your feedback. That could be an encouragement: A. R. Peter 9446127500 or arpeter1059@gmail.com)
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