Proactively Protecting Yourself from Worldly Flirting Stratagems
My Dear Daughter,
In a few months from now, you will be moving out for higher studies and then go on to work in a corporate office. It is my desire that you should be able to intentionally cultivate multiple, healthy, holy and equidistant friendships with those in the opposite sex. But in this fallen world, where we cannot trust all people we have to be very careful about sexual harassment and so I choose to write to you on this subject because for you to be forewarned is for you to be forearmed.
Under the sub titles ‘Worldly Flirting Stratagems’ I shall first describe to you some of the flirting strategies used by non-believer girls, ladies, or even teen girls (flirting usually begins during the teens). In the campus or work place these simple strategies ensure that these worldly women will never lack attention from the opposite sex! They will be popular; much sought after and may even climb the ladder called ‘success’ faster than you.
If this letter gets into wrong hands, I am afraid; those ‘aspiring-to-flirt’ and the ‘I-need-help-in-flirting’ ones would surely misuse it. My intention is to equip you, my daughter, to label flirty behaviour the moment you see it in girls or guys – that you would know what they are up to and why they do what they do. And also that you may realise that these stratagems are not really new for your generation – they must have been in use since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Under the sub titles ‘Proactive Protective Strategies’ I give you my godly advice to keep yourself safe in this flirtatious world. When you follow these protective strategies, you may be branded as the odd one out. There may even be attempts to frame a case against you and victimise you for non-compliance to flirtatious demands. But that doesn’t matter: dare to be different and know that you are the pinch of salt (Mathew 5:13) which can make all the difference. In John 17: 15, 16 Jesus Christ prayed for you not to take you out of this world, but that you should be kept them from the evil one, knowing that just as He was, you too will not feel at home in this world. Romans 12:2 exhorts us not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, in order to prove what is that good and pleasing and perfect will of God.
1. The Dress
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Girls are expected to always look sensuous. You don't need expensive designer clothing for that. What you basically need is excellently tailored clothes, which accentuate the right places on your body.
Proactive Protective Strategy: There is no virtue in being shabbily dressed but, my daughter, be modest and very careful about your dress. Avoid tights, low necks, tops with high slits, mini skirts, etc. Dress for the occasion such that you would not be taken note of for the sensuality of what you wear. It is safer to err on the side of not being bracketed with those who parade in the latest fad.
2. The Eyes:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The eyes can be your most effective tool for flirting. It's possible to make a guy's heart skip a beat by giving him a playful, lusty, or lingering stare. If you're walking by someone you've got the hots for, give him a 2-3 second stare and then slowly glance away (slow is important). Smile just as you start to look away. He'll get the message.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, in normal conversation you meet the eyes of the other person for a certain amount of time, then one or the other glances away. This is the way of conversation. But when a special feeling is developing for the other person, this is signalled by the prolonged stare. It is a promise of more to come. We know it when we see it. Godly Job made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1). Do not give opportunity for a lingering stare from someone you don’t trust. Looking straight back into the eyes of a guy/man who has a lingering stare on you, as if to ask, why are you staring at me, may in fact be the very compliment he was seeking. Instead refuse to reward the stare by ignoring it and proceed to tactfully reposition yourself as if his stare was not even taken notice of by you.
3. The Add Ons:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Always give guys a reason to talk to you: wear or bring something that can catch their attention such as unusual jewellery, flashy nail polish, an aromatic scent, a trendy hand bag, or an interesting book. These objects are natural conversation starters!
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, do not be noted for the wrong reason. Instead, let them know that you are different in your faith and value system. Let your love for those who truly love the Lord Jesus Christ be the one factor that gets noted by your colleagues. (John 13: 35)
4. The Conversations:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Let the guys know or feel that you are interested in them. If you want them to communicate, LISTEN to them! Ask probing questions on personal matters. Move the conversation from facts and opinions to emotions and transparency. Empathise.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Trying to be an encouragement to a guy and helping him out in areas of his life outside the office is a sure invitation to emotional dependency. My daughter, if you have doubts on the intention of a guy showing interest in you, then restrict your talk to something related to your study or profession. As soon as the subject shifts, become visibly inattentive and purposively distracted. Shrug off queries that are not associated to your profession by stating: ‘I am sorry; I choose not to talk on that subject.’ If they persist and ask, ‘Why’ just say: ‘It’s my choice and I don’t feel compelled to give you reason for my choice.’ If the guy begins to share some of his personal problems with you, ask him to find some other person to confide in. To say so early enough, in the right tone of voice (low but firm) is being wise and appropriately assertive.
5. The Cell Phone Chats
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: The cell phone provides a non face-to-face setting that allows the mind to quickly move into the world of imagination and fantasy. It provides for an exclusive one-to-one conversation. For these simple reasons, people who talk little when they are physically face-to-face, tend to open up and confide more when they talk over the cell phone.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Don’t reply to unwanted messages. Don’t feel compelled to reply to chat invitations that pop up on your computer screen. Simply ignore them. Do not pick calls from guys whom you do not want to talk to. If you get repeated calls in a short span of time pick the call and ask why he called. May be it was something urgent that you needed to know. But if he had called ‘simply to talk’, tell him that you are not free and hang up. If he seeks to know why you didn’t pick the call simply tell him that you had other things to do.
6. The Verbal and Non-Verbal Cues:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem:
Verbal: The way you say something is far more important than what you say. Use a playful, sexy, and energetic voice. Don't be monotone, ladies. Use your sexiest and most sultry voice. Keep the conversation light, nothing serious or in-depth.
Non-Verbal: Positioning of the legs is an excellent way for women to convey interest. By sensuously touching yourself (hair, lips, bottom of neck/upper chest, etc.) or playfully grazing him with light touches and you can drive home the point that you're interested.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, watch the tone of your voice. Be serious. In Indian culture, you not have to shake hands unless it is offered to you. When you do have to shake hands with another person of the opposite sex, if he holds your hands for just a second too long, it is a definite signal. Do not let the touch linger. If a man comes by your desk and puts his hand on your arm or shoulder he is telling you something. When talking to a married couple, if you sense a little electricity in the air between the husband and you, direct your attention to his wife and even take an almost unnoticed step back from him. Therefore, my daughter, watch your own body movements and keep safe social distance.
7. The Compliments and the Smile:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Compliment the guys on the way he looks, the report he presented, etc. Solicit compliments on your dress, hairdo or presentation from the opposite sex.
Proactive Protective Strategy: My daughter, reserve your compliments for the same sex even if you think your compliments for the opposite sex are genuine and honest. Unfortunately we have to err on the safer side. Don’t go fishing for compliments from the opposite sex.
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: When someone has to make the first move the simplest and safest way to do that is to SMILE! It's a nice way of telling that you are interested without being so hanky.
Proactive Protective Strategy: The Bible exhorts us rejoice in the Lord in our inner being but never exhorts us to put on a cosmetic smile. Therefore, my daughter, reserve your smile only for a genuine and true expression of your inner emotions. The Scripture exhorts us to be sober minded. Remember the Lord Jesus Christ was one person who enjoyed a deep sense of inner joy and fulfilment in life, but the Bible says, his continence was that of a ‘man of sorrows’. A godly soberness shone on your face will keep you safe from many an unwanted assault.
8. The Hang Outs:
Worldly Flirting Stratagem: Great places to start flirting with guys are parties (social occasions, functions or celebrations), eat outs and hang outs, adventure trips, study tours, picnics, ice breaking games, participant sports/hobbies and spectator events.
Proactive Protective Strategy: Psalms 1 sheds a lot of insight on this. My daughter, to be where you ought not to be sets you in the danger zone. To be out and alone at a late hour is to put yourself at risk. If you have to go for an eat out with guys do so in uneven groups – either two guys and one girl or two girls and one guy, but never single out into exclusive pairs with the opposite sex. When you go out on a tour, where and with whom you choose to sit can make all the difference. Unless it is an emergency, avoid going on bikes with any guy.
To walk this path is to choose the narrow road. Rewards may not come instantly, but they will come for sure.
Despite all your best efforts, you will still be targeted at regular intervals by different guys/men each wanting to know how far you are available for them to take you for a ride.
My advice to you is that even if you are convinced that you are being targeted, avoid the usual knee-jerk reaction. You may feel out raged, but raving and ranting is not going to serve any purpose. Don’t get emotional and teary. Remain calm, take a deep breath and tell your harasser exactly how you feel. For example, it is not enough to just brush his hand off your back when he propels you forward at a meeting. Turn to him with a smile and say, ‘I’m sorry, but would you mind removing your hand from my back. I know you don’t mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable.’ If he stands too close to you in the lift or presses up against the back of your chair, don’t just edge away. Turn around, look him in the eye, and say, ‘I’m sure you don’t realise it but you are crowding me here. Do you mind standing back a little? I would really appreciate that.’
Remain as non-confrontational as possible. Keep your tone apologetic, to convey that you believe that his action is inadvertent rather than deliberate. Indicate by you body language that you don’t feel threatened by him. If he becomes defensive, assure him that you haven’t taken any offence. If he becomes aggressive – as some guys/men tend to do when confronted – don’t respond in kind. Just reiterate that you want to lay down some boundaries, so that there is no prospect of confusion and misunderstanding in future.
It is preferable if you do this one-on-one. That way, the issue remains between the two of you. He doesn’t lose face in front of his peers or his superiors. And if both sides display a modicum of maturity then the situation needn’t deteriorate any further. You can both tacitly agree to let bygones be bygones and go back to a cordial working relationship.
But if he persists in such behaviour, then you have no option but to up the ante. At this point you must take a trusted colleague or senior into confidence from the onset. Before you register a formal complaint, make sure you have sufficient evidence and witnesses to back you up.
In any social environment you have to behave the way you expect to be treated. It is better to be safe than sorry. From the very onset, if your behaviour sends out strong ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ vibes and if you have ensured you won’t be available in unsafe circumstances – you will establish for yourself a reputation that will go a long way in ensuring poised hassle free living in the discomfort zone.
In closing let me combine two verses (1Timothy 4:12; Philippians 2:15) of the Apostle Paul which tell us that the struggles at his time in history were no different:
‘Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.’
With loads of love,
Dad
