Healing Leaving and Leaving Healing

Alice – a young bride shares of how she and her loving husband made leaving a very gentle and healing experience. Their story can be a model for others to learn from.

The first month after our wedding could not have been more hectic. It included being at my parents home at Kochi for a few days, visiting my grand parents at Madurai, being at my husbands home at Jaipur for a few days, moving to Delhi and setting up our new home there, hospitality to guests for dinner, receiving my in-laws for a weekend stay over, hosting a dinner for the Local EGF at our new home, me and my husband visiting the Philippines or a scientific conference – a trip that doubled up as our honeymoon, preparations for my international paper presentation at the Philippines, passport, visa and ticketing formalities, packing and unpacking and living out of a suitcase…yet in the midst of all this me and my husband were bent upon maintaining constant communication with my parents, sisters, brothers and mentor.

Doing the ground work well before marriage

Before our marriage I had clearly told my fiancé all about the important people in my life and how hard it is for me to leave them to get married. So it was not a surprise to him that as the wedding date approached, my moods were fluctuating with the pain of leaving. My husband assured me that after the wedding I must continue to nurture the social and spiritual contacts that I had carefully cultivated during the years of my single hood. What he has done to ease the pain of leaving for me is one of my fondest memories of our courtship and honeymoon. I recognized that my husbands love for me was not governed by possessiveness.

During our courtship my fiancé used to enquire about my talks with my parents everyday. He was very sensitive when I told him of how sad I was about leaving home. He even suggested that I take leave and stay home for a week or more so that I would feel better (This was because I would be getting only two days leave prior to the wedding date to be at my home). Due to constraints at my work place, this however did not happen. My fiancé assured me that even after marriage we could always go home whenever we wanted and spend time with my family; and that nothing would change with regard to the relationship with my parents.

Not only was my fiancé sensitive about my attachment to my parents, but also to my mentor, siblings and close friends. He was always fine with whoever I talked to before marriage and for any amount of time. I used to share with him the content of our conversations with the important people in my life and he always enjoyed it. He gave me so much of space and freedom to be myself that I always felt that I was honored and my identity and individuality was respected.

Making Exclusive Time for my family

After the wedding we spend the first three days at my parents’ home. We were extremely busy. There were many relatives at home. We had to visit a few houses and get several things done. My Dad had to attend two funerals in those three days. I and my fiancé had been in communication with each other over phone and email after our engagement and we had thus got to know each other rather well by the time of our wedding. My husband knew that he had the whole honeymoon and the rest of his life to continue to get to know me better. So even while we did take time to be together, my husband, made sure that he spend the limited time that was now available to get to know the rest of my family. He took specific time slots with Dad and Mom separately asking them what advice they had for him. He moved the conversation from the superficial to the more important matters of life, such that my parents would know in the depth of their being that they had passed on to their new son-in-law the most valuable wisdom acquired from their own journey of life. My husband was appreciative of everything that my parents said and whatever they gave us. In all that my husband said and did to my parents I felt that he had honored and respected them.

Allowing me to Cry

The three days after the wedding that we spent at my home in Kerala wasn’t all that exciting because I was actually very upset about leaving those dear to me and I think I literally spoiled those days. But my husband was very understanding. He allowed me to cry as much as I wanted to. He consoled me and prayed when I was down. He showed me so much of care and I could feel the freedom to share any of my ‘leaving’ feelings with him.

While we were getting ready to leave home that night, my husband told me not to be sacred of crying. He said it was OK to cry. If I felt like crying, he asked me to be true to my emotions and just cry. And sure enough I cried a lot while going from home. My relatives scolded me for doing that, but I knew that it was OK with my husband.

When the hour came for us to leave my parents home, my husband took time to ask the permission from my parents to leave and take me with him. He looked into my moms’ eyes, extended his arms wide open and reached out to give her a warm hug. Still holding my moms arms, my husband took a moment to imbibe the depth of the emotion of the moment as expressed by the tear drop that rolled down my mom’s cheek.

My husband meaningfully repeated the same with my Dad.

It was a silent drive to the Bus Station.

My Husbands Letter to my Dad and Mom

Just before we stepped into the Volvo Semi sleeper night bus to Madurai to visit my maternal grandparents, my husband put a letter into my Dads pocket saying: ‘This is a letter from me. Read it when you reach home.’ I was taken by surprise and yet so comforted at my husbands’ thoughtfulness when he later showed me the rough draft of the letter he had given to my Dad. As the bus rolled out of the parking bay, we once again bid a tearful farewell to my parents through the tainted glass windows.

Back at home (my younger sister told me later) my parents sat on the sofa, held their hands together as they read and reread the letter that was hand written on carefully chosen paper. It was addressed to my parents and signed by my husband – the young man to whom they had entrusted their daughter.

Dearly Beloved Dad and Mom,

I may never realize how hard this leaving is for you until in God’s will and time, the hour comes for my own daughter to leave me in a similar manner.

As newlyweds we are going to be engrossed with each other, but God forbid that in the process we forget those who have sacrificially made us who we are. ‘Thank you’ is too small a word to say to you who have spent your life, time, energy and resources to make Alice the lovely young woman she is today. She is your most precious gift to me. I will always be careful to relate to her with gentleness and honour.

You have trusted me with your daughter…I am sure it has not been easy…I promise to be good to her. Rest assured that I will love her and take care of her. May God help me.

We hope none of our words, expressions or actions and none of our in-actions at any point of time will ever be hurting to you. But if there is anything that we do or fail to do that hurts your feelings, please do us the favour of letting us know so that we may realize our mistake, seek your forgiveness and correct ourselves. We have not walked on this road before…we may make mistakes.

We shall always value your advice and so please do not hesitate to advise us from the wisdom of your vast experience.

Now as Alice leaves home with me, your nest is not going to be empty. Rather you are going have one more in your nest – me. I am now your child too! Your home is now my home too.

It is my responsibility to ensure that Alice will continue to keep in touch with you on a regular basis. Call her at anytime. We are still yours. We will be praying for you, even as we seek your prayers for us…which we know you would be doing even without our asking.

When you see how I love and care for your daughter, you will be at rest and rejoice…the pain of this leaving will slowly come to pass.

May God make this leaving healing for you as well as for Alice and for me.

When are you going to come to the new home we are going to start? Please come…

With so much of love and gratefulness,

Your Son

Andrew

How nice of my husband to have been so sensitive to what my parents had been going through. Every word in that letter was a balm to the aching soul of my parents for me their daughter whom they had nurtured for 26 long years. Even though my parents didn’t respond to that letter, my husband has never ever mentioned that to me. He had done this for them. They deserved it.

When we reached Madurai early the next morning, my husband called up my parents to say that we had reached safe and then gave the phone to me to continue to speak to my Mom. Even though I had left my home the previous night, I felt I was still connected.

Taking the initiative to ensure that my mentor continued to BE in my life

I had also told my husband that I was upset that in one sense I had to leave my mentor, an uncle who was like a father to me. Without any nudging from me, my husband called up this uncle to ask him to feel free to call me up at anytime and talk to me as he had done before marriage. He then passed the phone to me to talk to my mentor. It was so soothing to me to see how my husband had accepted the significant others in my life. My husband knew well that I had a father-daughter relationship with my mentor and that he meant so much to me. After all it was this mentor who had facilitated our marriage proceedings and guided us through the difficult days that were now an unforgettable part of our family history. Because of my husband support, my frequent communication and openness with my mentor continues many months after my marriage and I hope it will stay that way all through our life.

My People - His Priority

From Madurai we took a flight to Jaipur, where my husbands’ parents live. My flocks would be converging at Jaipur from different destinations for the wedding reception on Friday evening.

We had slept the previous night only by 3.30 am. Yet my husband did not consider it to be a strain to be at the Railway Station at 5 am and again at 12 noon on the same day. So when my brother-in-law and rest of my family arrived in Jaipur for the wedding reception, my husband insisted that we ourselves be present at the Railway Station to receive them even though there were others going to pick them anyway.

My family members were put up in rooms at the venue of the reception. When we reached the venue on the eve of the reception, my husband chose to spend time with my family members and came to the reception auditorium with them. Before going on to the stage, we were first seated in the front row which was very appropriate. My family members were seated in the row behind us. My husband suggested that we go and sit with them rather than sit alone in the front row. For the reception dinner too, we sat with both families and had a sweet time. My husband ensured taking more photos with my family, even some casual pictures that I thought were not really necessary. In such small ways he communicated in very loud and clear terms that he was honouring my family – and this meant so much to me.

When it was 10 pm and most of the guests who had come for the reception had left, my family members bid us farewell to go to their rooms to rest for the night. We hung around with my husbands friends poking fun at each other. It was half past midnight when we were ready to leave the reception venue. My husband suggested that we climb up the stairs and go to the room where my parents had retired for the night and say ‘Good night’ before we left. I was really touched by his concern and care. I’m sure that my parents and siblings were so happy with this gesture. It isn’t surprising that he had earlier suggested that we spent that night in one of the rooms at the reception venue itself so that we can have more time with them, but somehow this didn’t work out.

The next morning my family members had been invited for breakfast at one of our family’s friend’s home and we (me and my husband) were given the option of not joining them as we were exhausted. It was now just one week since we had got married and I don’t think we had got more than 15 hours of sleep in the whole week! Both of us would have fallen asleep at the very sight of a bed. Yet my husband said that we will join my family for the breakfast, as it will give us more time to be with my family even though it meant we had to get up early that morning.

After breakfast, we spent the whole day with my family. We visited my sister’s hostel at Jaipur, dropped my Dad at the airport, Mom and younger sister at the railway station. At the station, I was talking with his Mom and Dad. My husband came to me from behind and told me to go and stand near my Mom and talk to her as there was not much time for the train to leave. Once again he reminded me that it was OK if I wanted to cry. I noticed my Mom being more shaken than before, but I could bid goodbye to her more easily this time because I was comforted by the special effort my husband had taken to make my leaving healing for me and my family. The rest of the day we took my sister and her family around the city till they too boarded their night train to Chennai.

Going against his grain

In the next few days we visited a few of my husbands’ relatives and then took the flight to New Delhi. Here we had to set up our new home in the flat we had taken on rent. We had so many things to do. I started cooking. Guests dropped in for dinner, my in-laws came to stay over for the weekend to ensure that all is well in our new home. We hosted a dinner in honour of the Local EGF, etc. Yet my husband took interest in visiting my relatives and spending time with people known to me, especially my maternal aunt. Considering his introvert nature, I don’t think this would have been easy for him but I know that he has put in a lot of effort into that. He was doing this for me – it was an act of his love.

Keeping Friends Posted

I have had many past experiences when close friends once they found their fiancé and got married; they seem to have had no time for their friends who had been with them in the thick and thin of single hood. This had left many a hurt feeling in me. I was determined not to allow that to happen in my life. I and my husband have been very careful to spend quality time with the Lord and with each other. Friends had to be on relegated to second place as we would not have time for everyone. But this doesn’t mean we have to disregard friends. We do have to define our priorities. In order to keep my friends posted my husband had started a blog where we uploaded a few wedding and post wedding photographs and kept updating our friends. We knew that we would not be able to keep each one of them posted independently. After all had they too not laboured in prayer and longed for this wedding to take place? Do they not have a right to share in our joy?

Daily Postings and Small Gifts

Just before I boarded the plane to Tokyo en-route the Philippines where I was to attend an official conference, I called up my parents and mentor. I had told them that in the days to come my mode of communication would be more of emails as international calls were too much for our purse. When I was in a transit airport I used the internet facility at the airport to keep them posted. I wrote longer emails describing our experiences whenever I got time, but invariably I kept my people posted everyday by short emails. Even though we were on a very tight budget and the smallest gift item we put our eyes on cost so much when we converted the US dollar value into Indian Rupees, my husband insisted to we do not return to India empty handed.

Checking on me to see if I had called my significant ones DAILY

I have friends whose husbands forbid them from calling home frequently. What a contrast it has been for me! Ever since the day we left home, my husband constantly reminds me to call home (not that I forget). He ensures that I talk to my parents on a daily basis. He also takes the initiative to check if I have to call and talk to anyone else and encourages me to do that. I kept my mentor posted everyday with smss and emails. These were not superficial emails, but emails on what was happening in our lives, our joys, our struggles, our feelings and what new things we were learning. I wrote seeking advice and requesting for prayer. I continued to express my gratefulness and love. While the frequency of calls and duration of the talk time had come down, at no point of time did my parents or my mentor feel that as a new couple we had distanced themselves from them – our first sources of love and care. Neither did my parents nor my mentor intrude into our matters uninvited.

The Last Word

I am aware that not every bride gets the chance to share her ‘successful leaving-cleaving’ story. I consider myself very privileged to be documenting my story for posterity. I do not want to forget the manifold blessings that the Lord had granted me in the first few months of my married life. My cleaving has been sweet and easy because my husband took care to ensure that my leaving was very healing.

When I showed this write up to my husband, he commented that I’ve portrayed too good a picture of him which he claims is not always true. But when I read what I have written over and over again, I feel that I’ve not really done justice to what he had done in these initial days of our marriage to heal my leaving pain. I don’t think I have succeeded in fully communicating the depth of the healing that I experienced. What my husband said and did have meant so much to me in real time (when I was actually experiencing the pain of leaving). It is far more than what words can express! He values everyone that I have valued in my life. My husband had ensured that my leaving was healing by the seemingly small and insignificant things he did very intentionally. Given his temperament, I know it would not have been easy for him. We made time in the midst of our very hectic schedule to maintain constant communication with my parents, sisters, brothers and mentor. The price we paid in doing so was only a pittance when compared to the sacrifice our parents and mentor had made for us in the formative years of our life….