There are many commandments in the Bible. Some of
them have a promise attached. For example, in Mathew 6:33 Jesus Christ commands us to seek first the kingdom of God and His
righteousness. The promise attached to this commandment is that all our basic
needs will be met. The first such commandment in the Bible to have a promise
attached to it is the commandment to honour your father and mother. The promise attached is that it would be well
with us and that we may live long on earth. (Ephesians 6: 2,3). There is also a
lot in the Book of Proverbs that can give us further insight on how to honour
our parents.
Honour means to regard with great respect. We are
to hold our parents in high esteem at all ages of our life. Children (those who
are below 18) are admonished in the Scriptures, not only to honour but also to
obey their parents. There is however a rider…we must obey our parents in the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1). The
implications of these carefully drawn scriptural lines are that (1) when there
is a conflict between Gods will/desire and our parents will/desire we are to choose
Gods will over our parents desires (2) There is a difference between honouring
and obedience. (3) It is possible to disobey our parents in order to obey the
Lord, but yet we must be able to do so in a manner that still ensures that we
hold our parents in high esteem.
Jesus Christ at the age of 12 experienced a
conflict of interest with his earthly parents. This is beautifully described
for us in Luke 2:41-51. It was customary for the Joseph-Mary family to go to
Jerusalem every year during the feast of the Passover. When boy Jesus had
attained the age of 12, he too accompanied them to Jerusalem. After the
celebrations, when Joseph and
Mary were returning from Jerusalem, they assumed that boy Jesus was also with
the company of their friends and relatives who were all in the returning team.
It was only after a full day’s journey that Joseph and Mary realised that Jesus
was missing. They searched for Him
among their relatives and friends, but he was not to be found. Anxiously they rushed
back to Jerusalem, searching for Jesus. It was only after three long anxious days
that they finally found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the
teachers, both hearing them and questioning them.
At that
point of time Mary, who was by now understandably very stressed, asks Jesus:
‘Child, why have you done so to us? Behold, your father and I have looked for
you, greatly distressed.’ The tone very clearly implied an accusation that
Jesus must have been well aware that his family and relatives were already on
their way back home, while he seems to have deliberately chosen to stay back
for a time of spiritual learning at the temple. In our terms he had stayed back
for a three day EU Camp without the explicit knowledge of his parents. When
confronted by his mom, Jesus makes an assertion that left his parents
bewildered. Instead of giving his mom an answer, he asks back a question: Why
did you look for me? Jesus then goes on to chide their failure to discern the
priorities of his life. For Jesus tells his mom in no uncertain terms: ‘Do you
not know that I must be about My Father's business? And they did not understand him.
Dearly beloved brother/sister, do your
parents fail to understand you? Jesus has experienced that too…he has been there…he
understands you. Are you pained that your parents do not see your spiritual
priorities and cannot appreciate your compulsion to be at the gathering of the
EU-EGF? Jesus has been there…he knows how it feels to be denied permission.
In Luke
2:51 we read, that even though the conflict of desires had come out into
the open between Jesus and his parents, Jesus being the child that he was at
the age of 12 chose to make his point but yet he obliged to go back with his
parents and remain subject to them.
Many years later at the beginning of his
public ministry, we find Jesus again at loggerheads with his mom. This time the
occasion was the marriage at Cana. It was a time of celebration. The wine got
over. Knowing well that Jesus could intervene to solve the crisis, his mom,
Mary approached him. But as is often between mother and son, a crossed
transaction takes place before Jesus finally obliging to intervene. Refusing to
address Mary as mom, Jesus said to her: ‘Woman, what do I have to do with you? My hour has not yet come.’
(John 2:4). It was almost like saying: Mom, I am an adult now. Don’t interfere
in my life. Having said that, he did however oblige his mother with a miracle
that made water into wine.
On another occasion, (Mathew 12:46-50),
someone said to Jesus, ‘Behold, your mother and your brothers stand outside,
desiring to speak with you. And He answered and said to him who told him, Who
is my mother? And who are my brothers? And He stretched out His hand toward His
disciples and said, Behold, my mother and my brothers! For whoever shall do the
will of my Father in Heaven, the same is my brother and sister and mother. I
can liken the situation to a case where a grown up son or daughter has got
involved in ministry that he or she did not have enough talk time with parents
and siblings. I can almost hear the echo of some parents asking their children:
Is God’s ministry more important to you than us? Jesus understands from his own
experience with his earthly family how difficult it is to strike a proper
balance between ministry and family.
It is very evident in the life and
teachings of Jesus Christ that he did not allow his respect and regard for his
earthly parents to prevent him from doing Gods will. He was very assertive
about this and he directed his love and time towards those who indeed were
obedient to Gods will. In our terms, this stance translates as valuing those
who are related by the blood of Christ over and above those who are only blood
relatives.
Jesus Christ knew very well that the
biggest challenge in the walk of a disciple would be from one’s own home. He
minced no words in stating this up front: ‘Do not think that I have come to
bring peace on earth. I did not come to send peace, but a sword. For I have
come to set a man against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
And a man's foes shall be those of his own
household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not
worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.’
(Mathew 10:34-37)
Unfortunately, these truths are not often
taught today. Any conflict between parents and children pertaining to doing
Gods will is often brushed aside in the pretext of honouring parents. This is
far from the truths revealed in the Scriptures and far from the experience of
Jesus Christ himself. Honouring our parents should never be at the cost of
being obedient to Gods will.
In our culture, it is interesting to note
that people have no qualms in leaving their aged parents in order to pursue a lucrative
job in USA or the Arabian Gulf countries. At the same time, so much of hue and
cry will be made if a newly married husband chooses to leave his parents’ house
in order to be obedient to the often repeated (Genesis 2:24; Mathew 19:5; Mark
10:7 & Ephesians 5:31) injunction in Scripture to leave and to cleave.
Leaving at the time of marriage involves a leaving of headship (decision-making
– the husband and wife take the decisions that pertain to their family while
still seeking the advice or suggestions from their parents or in-laws as and
when required), emotional leaving (your first love becomes your spouse and all
other human relationships are consequently relegated to a secondary position –
be it friends or parents) and financial leaving (the newlywed couple begins to
live independently within their own resources). All these are facilitated by
physical leaving (actually moving out of your parents’ house to an independent
place to live). Jesus Christ has spoken in no uncertain terms on the dangers of
setting aside the commandment of God, in order to keep ones on cultural tradition
(Mark 7: 9). As long as the parents are able and healthy enough to live
separately, they should do so. In fact, it is godly parents who should
encourage the newlywed couple to leave. This will be in the best interests of both
the parents and the newlywed couple. There will always be exceptions, when
physical leaving may not be the right option to make. Yet exceptions are always
exceptions and exceptions should never become the norm.
If God guides you to be a full time
Christian worker or take up a job as a tent making missionary in a pioneering
place, it is good to go with your parents’ blessings and the assurance of their
prayer support. But if they do not appreciate your God-given convictions, you
need to humbly communicate to them that you would obey God rather than man
(Acts 5:29). The same principle holds good in choosing one’s life partner too.
There are many things that I do not like
about the western culture; but there is one area where I believe Indian parents
are making a mistake. In the West, when children reach the age of 20, they are
expected to move out of the parents’ home and make an independent living. In the Indian culture, I am afraid we do not
allow our children to become independent and interdependent. We over protect
them and foster a dependency culture whereby children actually fail to grow
up.
Honouring parents can include many things.
The key is to try to understand what your parent’s desired love language is and
if that desired love language is not something that will hinder you from seeking
the kingdom of God first; then surely learn to give it to them in the best
possible manner. Children of all ages must be able to give to their parents
love and honour in the morally right forms of love language that their parents
seek. For some it may be a patient listening. For others it may be a regular phone
call to enquire about dad and moms health. For some it may be a hand massage,
for others it may be a thank you SMS. For some honouring parents may involve
the giving of thoughtful gifts – which may not necessarily be very expensive.
For others it may be accompanying parents for a visit to the bank or helping
them out in some matters that may require tech savvy interventions. Children
must also understand that there are generational differences in love language
needs. The younger generation may want to ‘chill out with an eat-out’, while
the parents may prefer to ‘chill in with a sit-in’. It would be best if parents
can communicate clearly to their children what exactly they would like.
Unfortunately many come from dysfunctional families where such free and
transparent communication never takes place. In such cases, all that the
children may be able to do is to wait in prayer always keeping their eyes open
for out-of-the-box ways and means of honouring their parents.
One of the most poignant passages in Scriptures on honouring parents
is John 19:26, 27 where Jesus was dying on the cross of Calvary and he saw his mother and the disciple whom he
loved (John) standing by, he said to his mother, Woman, behold your son! Then he
said to the disciple John, Behold your mother! And from that hour that disciple
John took Mary into his own home. Even as Jesus was dying he did
not fail to fulfil his responsibility to his earthly mother as the eldest son
in that family. As in every other case, it is in Jesus Christ that we find the
delicate balance of how to honour your parents without compromising on your
love and obedience to God.
