E-mail from Asha to her Mentor:
Uncle, I would like to keep you informed on all that is going on between Ashish and me. I would like to be accountable to you. I need your guidance and would like you to tell me if I am doing anything that is wrong.
Ashish and I speak to each other everyday over the cell phone. Ashish calls and does not allow me to call since he is earning and I am still studying. His father also reiterated that it should be done that way.
We talk:
•About our families: our parents and our siblings - what they are going through and how we can be better friends to them and try to mentor them
•Our past experiences: which includes our testimonies, our life until now
•About our plans for the future: what we intend to do, career wise
•Current Issues: that includes how our day was like – the concerns we are going through or facing
•We talk about our faults and weakness and have discovered that we are two totally different people. But we complement each other.
•We openly discuss our spiritual condition and seek to be open and transparent to each other in this regard.
We are careful not to be carried away by our emotions. We are well aware that we will have to wait for at least one year before we can actually get married. So we are careful in what we say to each other and limit our conversations to what I have stated above.
We also seek to glorify God in our relationship. We seek to put Him first in are lives and are very conscious about it: our over riding passion should still be Jesus Christ and not each other. We don’t want to miss the call of God in each of our lives by been taken up with each other.
We are fully aware that we are treading dangerous ground. We know that in this area, much better and more spiritual people than us have fallen. We know what our flesh is like so we pray sincerely asking God to save us from pits we could fall into. We always end our conversations by praying together. Asha.
Ashish travels down to Kerala to meet with Asha’s mentor
During his visit, Asha’s mentor gifted him with the book ‘Boy Meets Girl’ by Joshua Harries. On the cover page of this book Asha’s Mentor wrote:
Dear Ashish,
I don’t have to tell you of how proud I am of you and what the Lord has wrought in your life. My article on your story is sufficient evidence for that. This book is gifted to you with a lot of love and prayer. Study this book with Asha, my dear daughter in love. I am sure the both of you are aware that days ahead have paths that have to be trodden with much more care than the years that have gone by in your life and therefore, I urge you to strive to keep the practical guidelines and suggestions detailed in this book that you may not sin and instead you may continue to be models for all others to emulate. You are in our prayers and we long to see a demonstration what can be possible in this fallen world for the glory of the Lord Jesus Christ. True Freedom is the ability to do what God wants us to do…
- Mentor
E-mail from Ashish to Asha’s Mentor:
Uncle, I have been extremely blessed and challenged by the time I have spent with you in Kerala. I always praise God for my mentors here in Bangalore, who have been praying and guiding me right from day one. But now I am immensely grateful to the Lord for bringing you too into our lives as our guide. If it weren’t for your godly and timely guidance we wouldn’t have made it through thus far or we would have even stumbled. I told Asha how grateful I am to the Lord primarily for you, as God had used you to change her mind and her views regarding marriage, otherwise I probably would never have got a ‘yes’ from her!
Romance has also begun to sprout in our relationship. Initially I thought it was a little weird, but later on I began to recognize that it made us more comfortable and open to each other. Now, I guess I’m getting a taste of what Godly romance is all about. And we will try to actively shift each other’s focus on the Lord JESUS Himself!!To keep our focus primarily on the Lord Jesus Christ, and not each other, we had initiated some steps to help us in our courtship. I don’t know exactly how far these will be effective, but we thought of giving it a shot.
• Our talks are to be restricted to one hour and not late into the night as Asha has to go for classes the next morning. Restricting our talk time is probably is our greatest struggle!!....Because we hate saying goodbye!!
• We will not seek to drag our conversations for the sake of spending time with each other. When we are out of words or out of flow, we would rather stop! Because the Bible teaches us that sin lies in multitude of words! Trying to drag our conversations beyond the content we have to share could probably lead to sin and can probably harm us spiritually and physically.
• We do not try to primarily attract each other by our conversations, emotions, etc. but rather are honest about our shortcomings. We try to be realistic by analyzing both our strengths and our weaknesses.
• We always end our conversations with a prayer especially with regard to what we had spoken to each other. This prayer has truly been a blessing for me personally!
• We have also come up with a weekly schedule comprising of the following activities.
Each day we focus on one of them:
o Once a week we do a ‘Couples of the Bible’ study. We are actually going through the various couples in the Bible starting from Adam and Eve. Presently we are studying Abraham and Sarah.
o Despite this study we continue to maintain our Individual Bible Study and walk with the Lord, so that we will be open to hear from Him and give us a distinctive balance in our relationship!
o Now that both me and Asha have a copy of the book ‘Boy meets Girl’ by Joshua Harris, we study a few pages of that book together.
o One day of the week is sometimes set apart for prayer: We don’t do this unless we are burdened about a particular issue, as we didn’t want to make it monotonous and ritualistic.
o Towards the end of the week we take time to analyze what the Lord has been speaking to us through out the week through our personal devotions analyze on how our relationship has been going thus far.
Well Uncle, this is a brief summary of what I wanted to share with you. We do not look at these guidelines as strict rules which would probably end up making our relationship legalistic. But these are just like fences which we hope will keep us intentional and healthy about our conversations. Thus far it has been good. Please do give me your honest opinion, advice and guidance in the way that we are conducting ourselves in courtship.
Mentor to Ashish:
I am immensely pleased with what is happening between you. At this point of time I just have one concern: Now that your talk time is going to eat into the time available for her study, you need to be keep check on Asha’s studies. Urge her not to postpone anything related to her study.
Ashish’s reply:
I have told Asha very clearly that what makes me happy the most is when she does extremely well in her studies so that it can be a testimony to all around and to her family and mine. I have told her that it is probably the best indication of God’s blessing on our relationship. So we are striving to do that both from her end and from mine.
We don’t have our usual talk time during her exam days or when she is busy with her project work. On such days I’ve asked her to inform me when I can speak to her - only when she’s done with her studies or project work we limit ourselves to a short period of talk time.
The more I am getting to converse with Asha, the more I understand how different we are from each other. We are in fact opposite poles in many ways. Yet how wonderfully our Maker is drawing us closer to Him and to each other. The more I am getting to know her, the more I am assured that she IS God’s chosen one to be my life partner. I am really getting to love her for the person who she really is!
Mentor to Ashsish and Asha
In a few days from now Asha will be back at Bangalore for the Onam holidays. This is going to be the first time that you would be seeing each other in the changed context of courtship. Knowing that you both desire to glorify God in all that you do, I have a few suggestions for you. As you strive by the grace of God to keep within these fences I am confident that your courtship relationship will remain a sweet aroma before our Holy and All-Knowing God.
• It would be good if the both of you can meet with Ashish’s mentors and spend some time with them. Ask them to plan ahead.
• You may spend time together as an exclusive pair never but behind closed doors. Always ensure that you remain visible to accountable others.
• You may sit and watch the Television together or play a game of caroms, but remain in a sitting position. Don’t lie on the sofa or carpet.
• Plan to do some household chores together like helping out Asha’s mom in the kitchen or Asha’s dad in gardening/purchase of groceries
• With a few members of your family or friends you may choose to go for a walk in the park or for a movie, but avoid water theme parks and pools. You may eat out at a restaurant but not stay over at a hotel.
• Your parents must know where you would be at what time. Return home well before the deadline set by your parents. Everything you do should aim at building trust in your parents, mentors and siblings.
• Make sure that you intentionally set apart time for others in the family and friends. Asha may plan to talk to Ashish’s Mom and Dad over the phone.
• Adopt a hands-off policy (no touching) and reserve your first kiss for your wedding day.
22 October 2009
Lessons in Principled Romance: Part 2: Anu and Anil: A case gone wrong
This two part series is based on true stories of believing students in Kerala during July-August 2009. Only the names have been changed to protect the identity of those concerned. Part 1 is a case in the right direction, while Part 2 is a case gone wrong.
Documented below are extracts from the email correspondence:
Anu to her Mentor: Let me tell what has been happening in my life. Jacob Uncle, my Dad’s best friend back in Toronto, Canada brought a proposal for me to my Dad. When Dad asked me, I told him that I wanted to pursue research and that I was not at all interested in getting married now. Later we came to know that the proposed guy’s older brother, Sunil Uncle, was a member of our church.
A month later Jacob Uncle came home – he comes to India every year and on every visit he makes it a point to spend time with my Dad. It so happened that this time the guy he had proposed, Anil had also come to India on leave and was staying with his brother, Sunil. We didn’t know that Anil was here…it was all a coincidence…he came to church…and I met him there. I was shabbily dressed and my hair was completely messed up. After the church service, Jacob Uncle and my Dad asked Sunil and Anil to come home. Since I was least interested in this proposal, I didn’t even care to wash my face or comb my hair even after reaching home.
Anil and I talked for about 10 minutes. He told me that his mom had passed away while he was a kid and that his Dad did not remarry and raised the three kids all alone. He said he had visited my Orkut profile. That was all we talked. It was my first ‘pennukanal’ and I was nervous… but he made me feel so comfortable and cracked jokes in between. After they left my Mom said she liked the guy and that he was humble and soft spoken. I sent him a friend request on Orkut and Face book. He accepted it and we started chatting. I gave him my cell number and he started calling me up. We used to chat late into the nights and some times early in the morning whenever we got time. He was in Kerala for one month. I met him on Sundays but we couldn’t talk at all. Later on we thought of meeting somewhere. He had to go for shopping but he did not know the places here. Sunil Uncle was busy to take him around and so he asked me whether I could come out with him. I do not know from where I got the courage… I said ‘yes’. I have never ever gone out with someone before. He had to buy some wall hangings and verses. We first met at the Reliance Mall and then went to the Christian Book stall. He bought some stuff and also bought me a copy of ‘Daily Bread’ devotional book. I still read it everyday. The next day also, I managed to get out of my house and we went shopping together. We went to a café and drank from the same cup. Anil was my first date! I felt so good when I saw him or talked to him and I wanted to be with him. I thought we would loose contact when he returned to Toronto. But then he rang me up before leaving…again rang me up when he reached New York… and again he rang me up on his way home… Uncle…I felt so special… I mean I had never sensed such closeness before... He still calls me up every week and we talk for half an hour. We meet on skype and video chat or we meet on yahoo messenger or Gtalk. He has told me about his affairs way back in school. I have also told him about my crushes and stuff. I don’t know whether you have noticed, but I have a squint for one of my eyes… I’ve told him about this and he was the first person to say that it isn’t a big deal and that no one is perfect. He made me feel so good all the time. Sometimes he looses his temper but always regains his patience at the same pace. What I like the most about him is that he is what he is… he never pretends…at least that is what I think.
My Mom and Dad know that I am still in touch with him… but they don’t know anything else. Two weeks ago, my Mom asked Sunil Uncle’s wife whether they’re planning to proceed with my proposal. In reply, she was told that it is difficult to survive in the Canada with a single person’s salary and so Anil’s Dad prefers a Nursing graduate.
Anil told me that he is getting a lot of proposals and he is rejecting everything. The same is happening with me too. Anil will come to Kerala again by December. I told him that I cannot hold on for long and that he should decide something. He said he doesn’t have any guarantee in his case and told me not to reject any more proposals. At the same time he sometimes gives me hope… I really don’t know what is in his mind… may be he is hiding something from me. His parents and brothers don’t know that we’re still in touch. My parents do… but they have absolutely no clue on how close we are….
Mentor to Anu:
I appreciate that you opened up on what you are going through and I would like you to continue to update me as it is very important for your own emotional well being that you have someone to reflect your thoughts. There are a few things that concern me:
1.You should have taken your parents into greater confidence. So much has happened behind their backs.
2.Going out alone as an exclusive pair was a mistake. It was premature.
3.Anil should not have raked up emotions in you if he did not have the commitment to marry you. He just can’t walk away after having taken the initiative to get so close. That is not right.
4.I would not like you to leave everything to circumstances. I think you should actively pursue a firm commitment from Anil rather than remain passive about it.
5.Moreover, if he is definitely not interested in taking your proposal forward, the earlier you get to know about it the better for all concerned.
6.Therefore, I suggest that you do some straight taking with Anil rather than waste your time directionless.
A few days later, Anu to her Mentor:
Uncle, let me tell you what happened. I asked Anil sternly whether he liked me or not. Anil replied that if he did not like me, he would never have spent so much of his time and money to contact me. So I told him to tell his Dad that he likes me and wants to proceed with my proposal. He didn’t respond for a while. Then I finally told him that I am in love with him. (I now regret having said that )
After a long silence…he told me: ‘This is not going to work out’. I asked him: ‘Why?’ He said he needs to tell me something but really doesn’t know how to say it… I thought he was going to propose to me… but then he told me that he had an affair with another girl who was in the USA. I took it lightly ... I told him that I too had crushes back in my school days. But then Anil went on to say that when we had started talking for long hours and when he spent more time with me than her, he began to forget her…but when he went returned to Canada, she rang him up everyday… initially he ignored her calls… but latter he started attending her calls because he felt guilty: It was he who had proposed to her first and given her hope. So now he didn’t feel like dumping her for me...Her name was Betsy. She was doing her final year graduation in nursing in the USA... it was not his Dad who wanted a nursing graduate, it was Anil himself.
Uncle, I was shattered when I realised, that Anil was not kidding when he told me that he had an affair with this girl. I am sort of recovering from that huge blow, by the grace of God. It is terrible. Unbearable.
Mentor:
I don’t have any questions. I understand. It is very, very painful. The pain will equal the death of a loved one. Cry. Wet your pillow with tears. All that I can say to you now is that God saved you from someone who seems to have a heart that was quick to turn to many girls. Therefore, find comfort in God who only can understand you fully and who has loved you with an eternal love. Learn the lessons from the mistakes you have made and move forward. My heart goes out for you. God will make a way, in His time.
Anu:
Uncle, I am better now. It is really hard to forget Anil and the times we spend together…I am trying hard to forget it …I have moved to the hostel, so that I can get more involved with my studies and work and thus forget him. But I don’t know why, I still have a hope that he will come back to me… hoping against hope. I am not in touch with him as before…He rang me up two days ago…I can’t ignore his calls, Uncle… I swear I can’t… I tried a lot…and I am still trying and some day I might get over it…
Anils email to Anu:
You now know that I fell in love with Betsy before I met you. I hope you understand my situation. Dates for my marriage with Betsy has been finalized. You have been a great friend to me. Please don’t hate me. You deserve somebody 100x better than me.
Shattered again Anu called up her mentor and broke down. After long sessions of talk, sobs and heartache, Anu with the help of her mentor wrote this reply to Anil:
Hi again, but for one last time…
I am writing this mail to release all my bottled up emotions and set myself free from the hurtful feelings I am experiencing because of all that has happened.
With every call and chat we became closer…I was scared at first…but then I prayed “if it’s not God's will, it should end it here." Against all odds everything went on well and nothing stopped me from contacting you... at that point of time I really believed and hoped that this was God's will for me...I thought you had the same feelings for me too... if not, you wouldn’t have come out with me and wouldn’t have spent your time and money to contact me…I really, really thought you liked me…
Never in my wildest dream did I think that you had another affair… if you did, you wouldn’t have spent so much time with me... with my whole heart, I apologize for everything I shouldn’t have said or done… you could've at least given me a hint about your affair ... I would have backed out at once for sure…
I feel so stupid now… I have made a big fool out of myself... there are lot of questions in my mind… why did this have to happen to me? Sometimes God doesn’t make sense at all... I am in a state of numbness… there are thousands of people dying everyday and sometimes I wish I was one of them... Please don’t ever take a girl for a ride and dump her…it is terrible.
You have been kind to me in your last mail. I hope it will continue to be so…that whenever we speak of each other we would hold each other in the highest honour not be guilty of maligning each other in our communications with others.
Yes, we have memories of a great friendship, but for your good, my good, Betsy’s good, for the health of your marriage and mine (if ever…) all that great friendship has to stop right here and now. It is a clean break…with no turning back (Hebrews 11:15) …this will be my last letter to you ... the reason I requested you not to call me is because I am fragile…the only way you can help me now is to stop all forms of communication with me…even if I in my vulnerability attempt to get in touch with you by any means, please , for heavens sake and for my own sake please do not respond … I am weak…it will take a lot of time for me to get over this …if it doesn’t end here...I may never recover…please help me by not initiating any form of communication with me…not even in reply to this mail. Am not angry with you ...I have prayed for you and Betsy ... am not exaggerating…I pray that if you both were meant to be together, then nothing on earth should separate you... Have a happy married life... God bless you both... Regards, Anu.
Post Script:
Anu bunked class, skipped lunch and shut herself up in her hostel room to shed tears. Her mentor called up often and listened to her silence, her sighs and her ‘Why me?’ questions. That afternoon the hostel was closing down for Onam holidays. Anu had to go home, but it was so evident on her face that her tear glands had no more tears to shed. On her way home Anu stepped into a beauty parlour for a Henna facial. After an early dinner in the kitchen, she retired to her own bedroom in the pretext of feeling tired and sleepy. She lay down on her bed and with a blank stare skimmed through the book she felt would make sense to her: ‘Veronica decided to die’ by Paulo Coelho.
Documented below are extracts from the email correspondence:
Anu to her Mentor: Let me tell what has been happening in my life. Jacob Uncle, my Dad’s best friend back in Toronto, Canada brought a proposal for me to my Dad. When Dad asked me, I told him that I wanted to pursue research and that I was not at all interested in getting married now. Later we came to know that the proposed guy’s older brother, Sunil Uncle, was a member of our church.
A month later Jacob Uncle came home – he comes to India every year and on every visit he makes it a point to spend time with my Dad. It so happened that this time the guy he had proposed, Anil had also come to India on leave and was staying with his brother, Sunil. We didn’t know that Anil was here…it was all a coincidence…he came to church…and I met him there. I was shabbily dressed and my hair was completely messed up. After the church service, Jacob Uncle and my Dad asked Sunil and Anil to come home. Since I was least interested in this proposal, I didn’t even care to wash my face or comb my hair even after reaching home.
Anil and I talked for about 10 minutes. He told me that his mom had passed away while he was a kid and that his Dad did not remarry and raised the three kids all alone. He said he had visited my Orkut profile. That was all we talked. It was my first ‘pennukanal’ and I was nervous… but he made me feel so comfortable and cracked jokes in between. After they left my Mom said she liked the guy and that he was humble and soft spoken. I sent him a friend request on Orkut and Face book. He accepted it and we started chatting. I gave him my cell number and he started calling me up. We used to chat late into the nights and some times early in the morning whenever we got time. He was in Kerala for one month. I met him on Sundays but we couldn’t talk at all. Later on we thought of meeting somewhere. He had to go for shopping but he did not know the places here. Sunil Uncle was busy to take him around and so he asked me whether I could come out with him. I do not know from where I got the courage… I said ‘yes’. I have never ever gone out with someone before. He had to buy some wall hangings and verses. We first met at the Reliance Mall and then went to the Christian Book stall. He bought some stuff and also bought me a copy of ‘Daily Bread’ devotional book. I still read it everyday. The next day also, I managed to get out of my house and we went shopping together. We went to a café and drank from the same cup. Anil was my first date! I felt so good when I saw him or talked to him and I wanted to be with him. I thought we would loose contact when he returned to Toronto. But then he rang me up before leaving…again rang me up when he reached New York… and again he rang me up on his way home… Uncle…I felt so special… I mean I had never sensed such closeness before... He still calls me up every week and we talk for half an hour. We meet on skype and video chat or we meet on yahoo messenger or Gtalk. He has told me about his affairs way back in school. I have also told him about my crushes and stuff. I don’t know whether you have noticed, but I have a squint for one of my eyes… I’ve told him about this and he was the first person to say that it isn’t a big deal and that no one is perfect. He made me feel so good all the time. Sometimes he looses his temper but always regains his patience at the same pace. What I like the most about him is that he is what he is… he never pretends…at least that is what I think.
My Mom and Dad know that I am still in touch with him… but they don’t know anything else. Two weeks ago, my Mom asked Sunil Uncle’s wife whether they’re planning to proceed with my proposal. In reply, she was told that it is difficult to survive in the Canada with a single person’s salary and so Anil’s Dad prefers a Nursing graduate.
Anil told me that he is getting a lot of proposals and he is rejecting everything. The same is happening with me too. Anil will come to Kerala again by December. I told him that I cannot hold on for long and that he should decide something. He said he doesn’t have any guarantee in his case and told me not to reject any more proposals. At the same time he sometimes gives me hope… I really don’t know what is in his mind… may be he is hiding something from me. His parents and brothers don’t know that we’re still in touch. My parents do… but they have absolutely no clue on how close we are….
Mentor to Anu:
I appreciate that you opened up on what you are going through and I would like you to continue to update me as it is very important for your own emotional well being that you have someone to reflect your thoughts. There are a few things that concern me:
1.You should have taken your parents into greater confidence. So much has happened behind their backs.
2.Going out alone as an exclusive pair was a mistake. It was premature.
3.Anil should not have raked up emotions in you if he did not have the commitment to marry you. He just can’t walk away after having taken the initiative to get so close. That is not right.
4.I would not like you to leave everything to circumstances. I think you should actively pursue a firm commitment from Anil rather than remain passive about it.
5.Moreover, if he is definitely not interested in taking your proposal forward, the earlier you get to know about it the better for all concerned.
6.Therefore, I suggest that you do some straight taking with Anil rather than waste your time directionless.
A few days later, Anu to her Mentor:
Uncle, let me tell you what happened. I asked Anil sternly whether he liked me or not. Anil replied that if he did not like me, he would never have spent so much of his time and money to contact me. So I told him to tell his Dad that he likes me and wants to proceed with my proposal. He didn’t respond for a while. Then I finally told him that I am in love with him. (I now regret having said that )
After a long silence…he told me: ‘This is not going to work out’. I asked him: ‘Why?’ He said he needs to tell me something but really doesn’t know how to say it… I thought he was going to propose to me… but then he told me that he had an affair with another girl who was in the USA. I took it lightly ... I told him that I too had crushes back in my school days. But then Anil went on to say that when we had started talking for long hours and when he spent more time with me than her, he began to forget her…but when he went returned to Canada, she rang him up everyday… initially he ignored her calls… but latter he started attending her calls because he felt guilty: It was he who had proposed to her first and given her hope. So now he didn’t feel like dumping her for me...Her name was Betsy. She was doing her final year graduation in nursing in the USA... it was not his Dad who wanted a nursing graduate, it was Anil himself.
Uncle, I was shattered when I realised, that Anil was not kidding when he told me that he had an affair with this girl. I am sort of recovering from that huge blow, by the grace of God. It is terrible. Unbearable.
Mentor:
I don’t have any questions. I understand. It is very, very painful. The pain will equal the death of a loved one. Cry. Wet your pillow with tears. All that I can say to you now is that God saved you from someone who seems to have a heart that was quick to turn to many girls. Therefore, find comfort in God who only can understand you fully and who has loved you with an eternal love. Learn the lessons from the mistakes you have made and move forward. My heart goes out for you. God will make a way, in His time.
Anu:
Uncle, I am better now. It is really hard to forget Anil and the times we spend together…I am trying hard to forget it …I have moved to the hostel, so that I can get more involved with my studies and work and thus forget him. But I don’t know why, I still have a hope that he will come back to me… hoping against hope. I am not in touch with him as before…He rang me up two days ago…I can’t ignore his calls, Uncle… I swear I can’t… I tried a lot…and I am still trying and some day I might get over it…
Anils email to Anu:
You now know that I fell in love with Betsy before I met you. I hope you understand my situation. Dates for my marriage with Betsy has been finalized. You have been a great friend to me. Please don’t hate me. You deserve somebody 100x better than me.
Shattered again Anu called up her mentor and broke down. After long sessions of talk, sobs and heartache, Anu with the help of her mentor wrote this reply to Anil:
Hi again, but for one last time…
I am writing this mail to release all my bottled up emotions and set myself free from the hurtful feelings I am experiencing because of all that has happened.
With every call and chat we became closer…I was scared at first…but then I prayed “if it’s not God's will, it should end it here." Against all odds everything went on well and nothing stopped me from contacting you... at that point of time I really believed and hoped that this was God's will for me...I thought you had the same feelings for me too... if not, you wouldn’t have come out with me and wouldn’t have spent your time and money to contact me…I really, really thought you liked me…
Never in my wildest dream did I think that you had another affair… if you did, you wouldn’t have spent so much time with me... with my whole heart, I apologize for everything I shouldn’t have said or done… you could've at least given me a hint about your affair ... I would have backed out at once for sure…
I feel so stupid now… I have made a big fool out of myself... there are lot of questions in my mind… why did this have to happen to me? Sometimes God doesn’t make sense at all... I am in a state of numbness… there are thousands of people dying everyday and sometimes I wish I was one of them... Please don’t ever take a girl for a ride and dump her…it is terrible.
You have been kind to me in your last mail. I hope it will continue to be so…that whenever we speak of each other we would hold each other in the highest honour not be guilty of maligning each other in our communications with others.
Yes, we have memories of a great friendship, but for your good, my good, Betsy’s good, for the health of your marriage and mine (if ever…) all that great friendship has to stop right here and now. It is a clean break…with no turning back (Hebrews 11:15) …this will be my last letter to you ... the reason I requested you not to call me is because I am fragile…the only way you can help me now is to stop all forms of communication with me…even if I in my vulnerability attempt to get in touch with you by any means, please , for heavens sake and for my own sake please do not respond … I am weak…it will take a lot of time for me to get over this …if it doesn’t end here...I may never recover…please help me by not initiating any form of communication with me…not even in reply to this mail. Am not angry with you ...I have prayed for you and Betsy ... am not exaggerating…I pray that if you both were meant to be together, then nothing on earth should separate you... Have a happy married life... God bless you both... Regards, Anu.
Post Script:
Anu bunked class, skipped lunch and shut herself up in her hostel room to shed tears. Her mentor called up often and listened to her silence, her sighs and her ‘Why me?’ questions. That afternoon the hostel was closing down for Onam holidays. Anu had to go home, but it was so evident on her face that her tear glands had no more tears to shed. On her way home Anu stepped into a beauty parlour for a Henna facial. After an early dinner in the kitchen, she retired to her own bedroom in the pretext of feeling tired and sleepy. She lay down on her bed and with a blank stare skimmed through the book she felt would make sense to her: ‘Veronica decided to die’ by Paulo Coelho.
Lessons in Principled Romance: Part 1: Asha and Ashish: A case in the right direction
This two part series is based on true stories of believing students in Kerala during July-August 2009. Only the names have been changed to protect the identity of those concerned. Part 1 is a case in the right direction, while Part 2 is a case gone wrong.
Asha Abraham’s parents are settled in Bangalore. Asha has an elder brother, Aby and three younger siblings. As a family, the Abrahams are all actively involved with a good church in Bangalore.
Ashish’s parents work in Bahrain. He came to Bangalore at the age of 18 to pursue a professional degree. He attends the same church that the Abrahams go to. Ashish became a close friend of Aby, Asha’s elder brother. The Abrahams’ home was like a ‘home away from home’ for Ashish. During family outings, Ashish would join the Abrahams and they would all have fun together. Whenever Ashish’s Dad came from Bahrain, he would make it a point to spend some time with the Abrahams.
Asha moved to Kerala to pursue her higher studies. When distance separated the two, Ashish and Asha did continue to keep in touch for sometime. But in Ashas own words: ‘There was a time when I had struggled with my feelings for him, but when I realised this, I quickly repositioned myself. I began to be extremely careful in my relationship with him and I made sure to treat him just like how I treated my brothers. Very soon I was free from the struggle.’
Subsequently, Asha and Ashish used to talk only when she visited her Bangalore home for vacations and only when the family was around and never as an exclusive pair. Asha had in fact told Ashish that she was not even considering the option of getting married and was instead contemplating on the possibility of remaining single.
In time, Ashish was completing his graduate internship. One night, Ashish called Asha on her cell phone and told her that he had something important to tell her. He went on to say that he had been considering Asha as a possible life partner and wanted to know her response.
Ashish went on to explain that as soon as he began to have such thoughts about her, he immediately confided it with his mentors, a missionary couple. He was so sure that they would tell him to forget it and that it was not God’s will for him, since he was too young for marriage. But contrary to his expectations, they asked him more about Asha and her family and told him that they would pray about it. They fasted and prayed and felt sure that he should go to the next step: to inform his own father. Ashish was sure then that the story would end there. He was so sure that his father would say ‘no’. But it turned out that his father also listened to him and told him that he would pray about it. In due time he told Ashish that he too was comfortable with the proposal.
As the next step, his mentors asked Ashish to speak to Asha. But it took very long for Ashish to do so. He almost didn’t do it, since Asha had always kept a distance from him and he believed that Asha was not interested in him and would give him a definite ‘no’. So Ashish had told his mentors that he has decided not to ask Asha. But his mentors persuaded him to call and speak it out to Asha. That is how he had now called to tell Asha of his feelings for her. He also told Asha that his Dad would be talking to her Dad, but he wanted that to happen only if Asha was open to the proposal.
Asha had also been cultivating a mentoring relationship with a senior advisor. So she immediately called up her mentor and told him all that had transpired. The mentor asked her several questions on Ashish. The mentor also cross checked with another person who knew Ashish. This was the reply the mentor got to his enquiry about Ashish: ‘I know very few committed guys and Ashish is one of them.’
Asha was still confused. She told her mentor: ‘I know Ashish well and I know that he is a committed Christian and deserves the best. But I could never be a Proverbs 31 wife. I am so far away from that ideal. I don’t want to thwart the plan of God in his life. I am worried that he may be making a mistake in choosing me.’
Asha’s mentor suggested that she share her concerns with Ashish himself. So Asha called up Ashish and listed out her fears. Ashish responded by saying that he himself was far from the ideal. Ashish continued to explain why he had been attracted to Asha. He said Asha was the only girl in church who kept a distance and did not hint at anything more than a friendship. Asha, according to Ashish had ‘a meek and a quiet spirit’. Asha replied that she used to keep a safe distance from everyone since she was an introvert and that she was not sure if she really did have a meek and a quiet spirit.
Ashish then told Asha that since Asha was not sure, he was willing to wait. He said that he was still open to God’s leading even if He leads them away from each other. Ashish assured Asha that she was free to say ‘no’ to him. He said that he will be fasting and praying about this. Asha too decided to do the same.
Asha told her mentor: ‘I know the seriousness of making a wrong decision with regard to marriage. I don’t want to make a mistake and my worry is that I might not be the right person for him. I don’t want my attraction or love for Ashish to blind me. I want to be open to God’s leading whatever it might be.’
Ashish suggested that they would abstain from calling or messaging each other and would only inform each other through email if they felt the Lord was leading them in a specific direction. Asha was so glad that Ashish came up with this suggestion and her respect for him only increased.
As she prayed and reflected on her thoughts with her mentor, Asha’s fears gently subsided and she was now able to analyse the pros and cons of the proposal.
Asha told her mentor that she had never wanted to be a mannequin in a shop of brides. Even while she had never been too sure on whether to get married or not, she had set in her mind some parameters regarding the man of her dreams, if ever she were to get married: (1) He should be a committed Christian (2) He should love the Lord more than he loves her. (3) He should not be career oriented and make a god out of his career. In other words, his career should be finding out God’s will in his life and doing it. As she contemplated on how this proposal had come to pass, she began to see that it all made sense. God had honoured the deepest desires of her heart.
Asha’s mentor suggested to Asha that she inform her Dad and make Dad a team member in the thought process. Asha was very reluctant to do so. What if her Dad blew up on her? Her mentor helped her to draft the following email to her Dad:
Dear Dad,I have something important to tell you. I hope you won’t be shocked. I have just received a call from Ashish. He said that he would like to tell me something and then he went on to say that he has been led to consider me as a prospective life partner. He has already talked to his dad and his mentor about it and they have been fasting and praying about it. He told me that his dad would be contacting you in this regard. I felt it important to keep you posted.
I have known Ashish since the time he has been a member of the church we go to and since he is a close friend of Aby, I had the opportunity to observe and get to know him better. Even though there have been no wrong dimensions to our relationship I would be candid to state that I too, am open to this proposal subject to the Lord’s leading and your approval. My letting you to know this development as soon as it has transpired is to tell you that I trust you and want to take you into full confidence in this matter. You can trust me Dad. I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you will keep this matter to yourself until Ashish’s father speaks to you.
Love, Asha
On reading the email, Asha’s Dad immediately called her up and said that he was glad and happy that Asha choose to tell him as soon as it happened. In a more detailed reply by email, Asha’s Dad went on to state:
I have the greatest regard for Ashish. He truly is a God-fearing young man. I like him and trust him. Not many people have the fear of God in them, but Ashish does.
If God is our most prized possession then this proposal and marriage should be seen as a development which shows forth God’s love. Therefore, I think our first priority should be to honour God and seek His will. If it is God’s will then, He will surely bring it to pass.
So if it doesn't come to pass, then you should not lose your moorings in God and think that it is the end of the world for you. I know it can be difficult but one should seek the Lord for grace to find God sufficient.
Asha was greatly relieved to get this response from her Dad. With her mentor also holding a green flag, Asha found the confidence to email Ashish: ‘Yes, I am open and willing to take this forward. May the Lord's Will be done.’
Almost simultaneously Asha shot off another email to her Dad: ‘Dear Dad, I would want to know from you in no uncertain terms, how to go about relating with Ashish till things are more concrete. I would like to know the lines, the limits, the boundaries and safe-guards. I will feel safe if the boundaries are set.’
Back came the reply from Asha’s Dad:
Once both parents agree, I think you should freely correspond with him. You should also get to know each other better.
But don't forget the probability of a break-up is non-zero all along; and therefore one should draw the line in such a way that a break up, should it come in His will, will not be difficult and unbearable
And therefore one should remember Ecclesiastes 3: 5: ‘There is a right God-appointed time for every thing.’ Do not sin.
How are your studies? It should go well and you should not slacken in your effort to get good grades.
Asha shared her Dad’s advise with Ashish and said: ‘I hope and pray that there will be no break up, and I am looking forward to the time when our parents approve and we can get to know each other better in a manner that we will be proud to tell our story to others. But at the same time, I hope we would be able to keep my Dad’s advice to keep our emotions at bay. May the Lord’s Holy Name be glorified in and through us.’
A week later Ashish’s Dad and Mom happened to be passing by Bangalore. They took time to meet with Asha’s parents and had dinner together. They talked on what had transpired between their children and committed themselves to continue to pray that the Lord’s will be done. Ashish then spoke to Asha’s Dad and got his permission to speak to Asha in the changed context. Ashish and Asha began to talk and correspond again.
Asha wrote to her Dad: ‘If things have gone in a way that was both pleasing to God and man, it is mainly due to guidance and help me and Ashish have received from our mentors.’ Asha and Ashish continue to be accountable to their mentors. Under their guidance it is their hope and desire that they would be protected from making wrong choices and that they would not sin nor dishonour God.
Asha Abraham’s parents are settled in Bangalore. Asha has an elder brother, Aby and three younger siblings. As a family, the Abrahams are all actively involved with a good church in Bangalore.
Ashish’s parents work in Bahrain. He came to Bangalore at the age of 18 to pursue a professional degree. He attends the same church that the Abrahams go to. Ashish became a close friend of Aby, Asha’s elder brother. The Abrahams’ home was like a ‘home away from home’ for Ashish. During family outings, Ashish would join the Abrahams and they would all have fun together. Whenever Ashish’s Dad came from Bahrain, he would make it a point to spend some time with the Abrahams.
Asha moved to Kerala to pursue her higher studies. When distance separated the two, Ashish and Asha did continue to keep in touch for sometime. But in Ashas own words: ‘There was a time when I had struggled with my feelings for him, but when I realised this, I quickly repositioned myself. I began to be extremely careful in my relationship with him and I made sure to treat him just like how I treated my brothers. Very soon I was free from the struggle.’
Subsequently, Asha and Ashish used to talk only when she visited her Bangalore home for vacations and only when the family was around and never as an exclusive pair. Asha had in fact told Ashish that she was not even considering the option of getting married and was instead contemplating on the possibility of remaining single.
In time, Ashish was completing his graduate internship. One night, Ashish called Asha on her cell phone and told her that he had something important to tell her. He went on to say that he had been considering Asha as a possible life partner and wanted to know her response.
Ashish went on to explain that as soon as he began to have such thoughts about her, he immediately confided it with his mentors, a missionary couple. He was so sure that they would tell him to forget it and that it was not God’s will for him, since he was too young for marriage. But contrary to his expectations, they asked him more about Asha and her family and told him that they would pray about it. They fasted and prayed and felt sure that he should go to the next step: to inform his own father. Ashish was sure then that the story would end there. He was so sure that his father would say ‘no’. But it turned out that his father also listened to him and told him that he would pray about it. In due time he told Ashish that he too was comfortable with the proposal.
As the next step, his mentors asked Ashish to speak to Asha. But it took very long for Ashish to do so. He almost didn’t do it, since Asha had always kept a distance from him and he believed that Asha was not interested in him and would give him a definite ‘no’. So Ashish had told his mentors that he has decided not to ask Asha. But his mentors persuaded him to call and speak it out to Asha. That is how he had now called to tell Asha of his feelings for her. He also told Asha that his Dad would be talking to her Dad, but he wanted that to happen only if Asha was open to the proposal.
Asha had also been cultivating a mentoring relationship with a senior advisor. So she immediately called up her mentor and told him all that had transpired. The mentor asked her several questions on Ashish. The mentor also cross checked with another person who knew Ashish. This was the reply the mentor got to his enquiry about Ashish: ‘I know very few committed guys and Ashish is one of them.’
Asha was still confused. She told her mentor: ‘I know Ashish well and I know that he is a committed Christian and deserves the best. But I could never be a Proverbs 31 wife. I am so far away from that ideal. I don’t want to thwart the plan of God in his life. I am worried that he may be making a mistake in choosing me.’
Asha’s mentor suggested that she share her concerns with Ashish himself. So Asha called up Ashish and listed out her fears. Ashish responded by saying that he himself was far from the ideal. Ashish continued to explain why he had been attracted to Asha. He said Asha was the only girl in church who kept a distance and did not hint at anything more than a friendship. Asha, according to Ashish had ‘a meek and a quiet spirit’. Asha replied that she used to keep a safe distance from everyone since she was an introvert and that she was not sure if she really did have a meek and a quiet spirit.
Ashish then told Asha that since Asha was not sure, he was willing to wait. He said that he was still open to God’s leading even if He leads them away from each other. Ashish assured Asha that she was free to say ‘no’ to him. He said that he will be fasting and praying about this. Asha too decided to do the same.
Asha told her mentor: ‘I know the seriousness of making a wrong decision with regard to marriage. I don’t want to make a mistake and my worry is that I might not be the right person for him. I don’t want my attraction or love for Ashish to blind me. I want to be open to God’s leading whatever it might be.’
Ashish suggested that they would abstain from calling or messaging each other and would only inform each other through email if they felt the Lord was leading them in a specific direction. Asha was so glad that Ashish came up with this suggestion and her respect for him only increased.
As she prayed and reflected on her thoughts with her mentor, Asha’s fears gently subsided and she was now able to analyse the pros and cons of the proposal.
Asha told her mentor that she had never wanted to be a mannequin in a shop of brides. Even while she had never been too sure on whether to get married or not, she had set in her mind some parameters regarding the man of her dreams, if ever she were to get married: (1) He should be a committed Christian (2) He should love the Lord more than he loves her. (3) He should not be career oriented and make a god out of his career. In other words, his career should be finding out God’s will in his life and doing it. As she contemplated on how this proposal had come to pass, she began to see that it all made sense. God had honoured the deepest desires of her heart.
Asha’s mentor suggested to Asha that she inform her Dad and make Dad a team member in the thought process. Asha was very reluctant to do so. What if her Dad blew up on her? Her mentor helped her to draft the following email to her Dad:
Dear Dad,I have something important to tell you. I hope you won’t be shocked. I have just received a call from Ashish. He said that he would like to tell me something and then he went on to say that he has been led to consider me as a prospective life partner. He has already talked to his dad and his mentor about it and they have been fasting and praying about it. He told me that his dad would be contacting you in this regard. I felt it important to keep you posted.
I have known Ashish since the time he has been a member of the church we go to and since he is a close friend of Aby, I had the opportunity to observe and get to know him better. Even though there have been no wrong dimensions to our relationship I would be candid to state that I too, am open to this proposal subject to the Lord’s leading and your approval. My letting you to know this development as soon as it has transpired is to tell you that I trust you and want to take you into full confidence in this matter. You can trust me Dad. I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you will keep this matter to yourself until Ashish’s father speaks to you.
Love, Asha
On reading the email, Asha’s Dad immediately called her up and said that he was glad and happy that Asha choose to tell him as soon as it happened. In a more detailed reply by email, Asha’s Dad went on to state:
I have the greatest regard for Ashish. He truly is a God-fearing young man. I like him and trust him. Not many people have the fear of God in them, but Ashish does.
If God is our most prized possession then this proposal and marriage should be seen as a development which shows forth God’s love. Therefore, I think our first priority should be to honour God and seek His will. If it is God’s will then, He will surely bring it to pass.
So if it doesn't come to pass, then you should not lose your moorings in God and think that it is the end of the world for you. I know it can be difficult but one should seek the Lord for grace to find God sufficient.
Asha was greatly relieved to get this response from her Dad. With her mentor also holding a green flag, Asha found the confidence to email Ashish: ‘Yes, I am open and willing to take this forward. May the Lord's Will be done.’
Almost simultaneously Asha shot off another email to her Dad: ‘Dear Dad, I would want to know from you in no uncertain terms, how to go about relating with Ashish till things are more concrete. I would like to know the lines, the limits, the boundaries and safe-guards. I will feel safe if the boundaries are set.’
Back came the reply from Asha’s Dad:
Once both parents agree, I think you should freely correspond with him. You should also get to know each other better.
But don't forget the probability of a break-up is non-zero all along; and therefore one should draw the line in such a way that a break up, should it come in His will, will not be difficult and unbearable
And therefore one should remember Ecclesiastes 3: 5: ‘There is a right God-appointed time for every thing.’ Do not sin.
How are your studies? It should go well and you should not slacken in your effort to get good grades.
Asha shared her Dad’s advise with Ashish and said: ‘I hope and pray that there will be no break up, and I am looking forward to the time when our parents approve and we can get to know each other better in a manner that we will be proud to tell our story to others. But at the same time, I hope we would be able to keep my Dad’s advice to keep our emotions at bay. May the Lord’s Holy Name be glorified in and through us.’
A week later Ashish’s Dad and Mom happened to be passing by Bangalore. They took time to meet with Asha’s parents and had dinner together. They talked on what had transpired between their children and committed themselves to continue to pray that the Lord’s will be done. Ashish then spoke to Asha’s Dad and got his permission to speak to Asha in the changed context. Ashish and Asha began to talk and correspond again.
Asha wrote to her Dad: ‘If things have gone in a way that was both pleasing to God and man, it is mainly due to guidance and help me and Ashish have received from our mentors.’ Asha and Ashish continue to be accountable to their mentors. Under their guidance it is their hope and desire that they would be protected from making wrong choices and that they would not sin nor dishonour God.
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