This two part series is based on true stories of believing students in Kerala during July-August 2009. Only the names have been changed to protect the identity of those concerned. Part 1 is a case in the right direction, while Part 2 is a case gone wrong.
Asha Abraham’s parents are settled in Bangalore. Asha has an elder brother, Aby and three younger siblings. As a family, the Abrahams are all actively involved with a good church in Bangalore.
Ashish’s parents work in Bahrain. He came to Bangalore at the age of 18 to pursue a professional degree. He attends the same church that the Abrahams go to. Ashish became a close friend of Aby, Asha’s elder brother. The Abrahams’ home was like a ‘home away from home’ for Ashish. During family outings, Ashish would join the Abrahams and they would all have fun together. Whenever Ashish’s Dad came from Bahrain, he would make it a point to spend some time with the Abrahams.
Asha moved to Kerala to pursue her higher studies. When distance separated the two, Ashish and Asha did continue to keep in touch for sometime. But in Ashas own words: ‘There was a time when I had struggled with my feelings for him, but when I realised this, I quickly repositioned myself. I began to be extremely careful in my relationship with him and I made sure to treat him just like how I treated my brothers. Very soon I was free from the struggle.’
Subsequently, Asha and Ashish used to talk only when she visited her Bangalore home for vacations and only when the family was around and never as an exclusive pair. Asha had in fact told Ashish that she was not even considering the option of getting married and was instead contemplating on the possibility of remaining single.
In time, Ashish was completing his graduate internship. One night, Ashish called Asha on her cell phone and told her that he had something important to tell her. He went on to say that he had been considering Asha as a possible life partner and wanted to know her response.
Ashish went on to explain that as soon as he began to have such thoughts about her, he immediately confided it with his mentors, a missionary couple. He was so sure that they would tell him to forget it and that it was not God’s will for him, since he was too young for marriage. But contrary to his expectations, they asked him more about Asha and her family and told him that they would pray about it. They fasted and prayed and felt sure that he should go to the next step: to inform his own father. Ashish was sure then that the story would end there. He was so sure that his father would say ‘no’. But it turned out that his father also listened to him and told him that he would pray about it. In due time he told Ashish that he too was comfortable with the proposal.
As the next step, his mentors asked Ashish to speak to Asha. But it took very long for Ashish to do so. He almost didn’t do it, since Asha had always kept a distance from him and he believed that Asha was not interested in him and would give him a definite ‘no’. So Ashish had told his mentors that he has decided not to ask Asha. But his mentors persuaded him to call and speak it out to Asha. That is how he had now called to tell Asha of his feelings for her. He also told Asha that his Dad would be talking to her Dad, but he wanted that to happen only if Asha was open to the proposal.
Asha had also been cultivating a mentoring relationship with a senior advisor. So she immediately called up her mentor and told him all that had transpired. The mentor asked her several questions on Ashish. The mentor also cross checked with another person who knew Ashish. This was the reply the mentor got to his enquiry about Ashish: ‘I know very few committed guys and Ashish is one of them.’
Asha was still confused. She told her mentor: ‘I know Ashish well and I know that he is a committed Christian and deserves the best. But I could never be a Proverbs 31 wife. I am so far away from that ideal. I don’t want to thwart the plan of God in his life. I am worried that he may be making a mistake in choosing me.’
Asha’s mentor suggested that she share her concerns with Ashish himself. So Asha called up Ashish and listed out her fears. Ashish responded by saying that he himself was far from the ideal. Ashish continued to explain why he had been attracted to Asha. He said Asha was the only girl in church who kept a distance and did not hint at anything more than a friendship. Asha, according to Ashish had ‘a meek and a quiet spirit’. Asha replied that she used to keep a safe distance from everyone since she was an introvert and that she was not sure if she really did have a meek and a quiet spirit.
Ashish then told Asha that since Asha was not sure, he was willing to wait. He said that he was still open to God’s leading even if He leads them away from each other. Ashish assured Asha that she was free to say ‘no’ to him. He said that he will be fasting and praying about this. Asha too decided to do the same.
Asha told her mentor: ‘I know the seriousness of making a wrong decision with regard to marriage. I don’t want to make a mistake and my worry is that I might not be the right person for him. I don’t want my attraction or love for Ashish to blind me. I want to be open to God’s leading whatever it might be.’
Ashish suggested that they would abstain from calling or messaging each other and would only inform each other through email if they felt the Lord was leading them in a specific direction. Asha was so glad that Ashish came up with this suggestion and her respect for him only increased.
As she prayed and reflected on her thoughts with her mentor, Asha’s fears gently subsided and she was now able to analyse the pros and cons of the proposal.
Asha told her mentor that she had never wanted to be a mannequin in a shop of brides. Even while she had never been too sure on whether to get married or not, she had set in her mind some parameters regarding the man of her dreams, if ever she were to get married: (1) He should be a committed Christian (2) He should love the Lord more than he loves her. (3) He should not be career oriented and make a god out of his career. In other words, his career should be finding out God’s will in his life and doing it. As she contemplated on how this proposal had come to pass, she began to see that it all made sense. God had honoured the deepest desires of her heart.
Asha’s mentor suggested to Asha that she inform her Dad and make Dad a team member in the thought process. Asha was very reluctant to do so. What if her Dad blew up on her? Her mentor helped her to draft the following email to her Dad:
Dear Dad,I have something important to tell you. I hope you won’t be shocked. I have just received a call from Ashish. He said that he would like to tell me something and then he went on to say that he has been led to consider me as a prospective life partner. He has already talked to his dad and his mentor about it and they have been fasting and praying about it. He told me that his dad would be contacting you in this regard. I felt it important to keep you posted.
I have known Ashish since the time he has been a member of the church we go to and since he is a close friend of Aby, I had the opportunity to observe and get to know him better. Even though there have been no wrong dimensions to our relationship I would be candid to state that I too, am open to this proposal subject to the Lord’s leading and your approval. My letting you to know this development as soon as it has transpired is to tell you that I trust you and want to take you into full confidence in this matter. You can trust me Dad. I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you will keep this matter to yourself until Ashish’s father speaks to you.
Love, Asha
On reading the email, Asha’s Dad immediately called her up and said that he was glad and happy that Asha choose to tell him as soon as it happened. In a more detailed reply by email, Asha’s Dad went on to state:
I have the greatest regard for Ashish. He truly is a God-fearing young man. I like him and trust him. Not many people have the fear of God in them, but Ashish does.
If God is our most prized possession then this proposal and marriage should be seen as a development which shows forth God’s love. Therefore, I think our first priority should be to honour God and seek His will. If it is God’s will then, He will surely bring it to pass.
So if it doesn't come to pass, then you should not lose your moorings in God and think that it is the end of the world for you. I know it can be difficult but one should seek the Lord for grace to find God sufficient.
Asha was greatly relieved to get this response from her Dad. With her mentor also holding a green flag, Asha found the confidence to email Ashish: ‘Yes, I am open and willing to take this forward. May the Lord's Will be done.’
Almost simultaneously Asha shot off another email to her Dad: ‘Dear Dad, I would want to know from you in no uncertain terms, how to go about relating with Ashish till things are more concrete. I would like to know the lines, the limits, the boundaries and safe-guards. I will feel safe if the boundaries are set.’
Back came the reply from Asha’s Dad:
Once both parents agree, I think you should freely correspond with him. You should also get to know each other better.
But don't forget the probability of a break-up is non-zero all along; and therefore one should draw the line in such a way that a break up, should it come in His will, will not be difficult and unbearable
And therefore one should remember Ecclesiastes 3: 5: ‘There is a right God-appointed time for every thing.’ Do not sin.
How are your studies? It should go well and you should not slacken in your effort to get good grades.
Asha shared her Dad’s advise with Ashish and said: ‘I hope and pray that there will be no break up, and I am looking forward to the time when our parents approve and we can get to know each other better in a manner that we will be proud to tell our story to others. But at the same time, I hope we would be able to keep my Dad’s advice to keep our emotions at bay. May the Lord’s Holy Name be glorified in and through us.’
A week later Ashish’s Dad and Mom happened to be passing by Bangalore. They took time to meet with Asha’s parents and had dinner together. They talked on what had transpired between their children and committed themselves to continue to pray that the Lord’s will be done. Ashish then spoke to Asha’s Dad and got his permission to speak to Asha in the changed context. Ashish and Asha began to talk and correspond again.
Asha wrote to her Dad: ‘If things have gone in a way that was both pleasing to God and man, it is mainly due to guidance and help me and Ashish have received from our mentors.’ Asha and Ashish continue to be accountable to their mentors. Under their guidance it is their hope and desire that they would be protected from making wrong choices and that they would not sin nor dishonour God.
